#I hope I can get back my 27 hour long playlist

[justgowithit505]

my musical taste is literally Julie and the Phantoms.

Let me explain.

I could put my playlist on and the first song that comes up is a pop song, usually from a Nordic female artist, like Grammofon by Myra Granberg, and I close my eyes and see Julie and The Phantoms rocking it out at a club.

Next, we have a song from a musical like Can I Have This Dance by high school musical 3, and I picture Luke being jealous of Nick, Julie noticing and dancing with him.

Then we have Party like It's 1929 by Tape five, the title kinda describes itself but it's Caleb throwing a big party.

Then we have LIFES A BIT by NOAHFINCCE and that's Sunset Curve 100%

Ladrona by Club 57 is Carrie having a fight with Julie flashmob style. I like that song soon much.

Some I don't want it at all by Kim Petras to round it all off and that's basically my playlist!

[a-ikuoliver]

134 "the unsent project" prompts

disclaimer: i do not own any of these prompts, i compiled these from the unsent project sorry for the awkward spacing, tumblr has a character limit lmao

01 — i keep wondering what my life would’ve been like if you had chosen me instead of her. 02 — i have a lot of hope for us. too much. 03 — i still stay up hoping you’ll call. 04 — i was so angry for so long. 05 — i think about you everyday and i'm sorry i didn't say more when we said goodbye. 06 — i’ll always have a place for you in my heart. but i need to accept you're happier without me now. 07 — i  hate that i always have to think of what we never were when i'm remembering you. 08 — it's scary how much you haunt me even after so long. 09 — every time my phone buzzes i hope it's you missing me, but it never is. 10 — sometimes i wish that you chose me. 11 — happy birthday, i miss you so badly, i wish you’d given me more time. 12 — i’m over you. 13 — please come back. please. 14 — i know i can be better to you than he is. please give us a chance. 15 — i can’t love you the way you wanted to be loved. 16 — if you asked me, i'd say yes in a heartbeat. i'll wait for you until whenever. 17 — i love you so much but i hate being just a friend. 18 — i never missed you until you were someone else's. 19 — maybe if we loved each other less we would have realised it needed to end sooner. 20 — i miss you so much, i wish we didn’t break up. i loved our life together. please come home. 21 — you remind me of snow, falling quietly at midnight. 22 — i can’t just be friends with you because friends don't DO what we did. 23 — is it sad i'd wait forever for you? 24 — you aren’t allowed to look at me like that anymore. 25 — i dreamt that we kissed and goddammit i wish it was real. 26 — i still get butterflies whenever you hold my hand. 27 — i can honestly say that i can't stop thinking about you, please get out of my head. 28 — i get this feeling in my stomach when you text me and i love it. 29 — why is letting go so hard? if you can do it, then why can’t i? 30 — we blamed distance, we blamed youth. i think i was just scared of having something real. i wish we tried again.

31 — i sat next to someone on a 6 hour bus journey and told him our story. 32 — i miss the days when i woke up to a morning message. guess i'm not the first thing on your mind anymore. 33 — you didn’t love me. you just loved the fact you weren’t alone. 34 — over a year and i still haven't met anyone worthy of replacing you. 35 — i still have the heart next to your name in my phone. 36 — you’ll marry him in two weeks and my heart will die that day. 37 — what was the point of everything just to be strangers in the end? 38 — I HATE YOU WITH MY WHOLE HEART WHY DO I STILL CARE ABOUT YOU?? 39 — your music always sucked and i'm so glad i don't have to act like it's good anymore. 40 — we were supposed to have a happy ending. 41 — i guess we had different definitions of love. 42 — you were all that i could think about when i was with him. 43 — i know you don't feel the same and that's okay. 44 — i hope she makes you happy. i hope she was worth it.  i wish i’d never met you. 45 — i think i really like you but i'm scared of what others would say about us. 46 — i think i'm in love with you and when you kissed me today i didn't know what to do. 47 — i still wish you fought a little harder that night, i still love you. we can always try again. 48 — i'm getting really tired of tearing up all our photos. 49 — how terrifying it is to know you completely and not at all. 50 — i love you, sorry i didn't say it back, i was scared. 51 — sorry i blocked you. i just couldn't stop thinking about you. 52 — i based a character in my book after you. 53 — i felt a different kind of love with you. a quiet, calm one. 54 — does your girlfriend know we still hook up? 55 — marry her. it's okay. 56 — i'd trade 7 years of stability for 7 hours with you. 57 — i know you reused the playlist you made me with another girl. 58 — i remember you soft, even if you never were. 59 — i drive down different roads but they all lead back to you. 60 — i left, and look how you’ve grown. i told you so.

61 — just date me bro, it's not that hard. 62 — happy late bday i didn't forget, trust me, hope you're doing good. 63 — i'm glad i've forgotten how good it was. 64 — i thought you were going to leave me, so i left you first. i'm sorry. 65 — OKAY FINE I LOVE YOU! I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU! 66 — i know it's a lot to ask but please just wait for me. 67 — i love you in a way i'm not supposed to. 68 — come visit my dreams tonight. i miss you. 69 — last week i was with the girl i told you not to worry about. 70 — sometimes i read all of our old conversations to feel something. 71 — our story deserves a better goodbye… maybe someday. 72 — everyone told me they thought we were going to get married. 73 — you miss him don't you? 74 — i noticed when you fell out of love… i just never said anything. 75 — you promised me. 76 — give her everything you never gave me. 77 — it's not fair how you can kiss me like that and feel nothing. 78 — you wouldn't leave if you had something you wanted to stay for. 79 — i wish we could've been something. anything. 80 — i saw so many shooting stars on the bridge that night. i should have wished to see you again. 81 — your name is like a lump in my throat. i've never yearned this desperately for anything. 82 — i stay up late in case you wanna talk. 83 — you're the first person i ever showed my heart to and you're the reason no one will ever see it again. 84 — you're in every song, in every sky, in every star, you're in every dream. 85 — i miss you every time my keyboard suggests your name. 86 — you look like the rest of my life. 87 — there is not a single song on my phone that doesn't make me think of you. 88 — won't you at least hold my hand in public? are you ashamed of me? 89 — i still smile when you call. i know i'll be a guest at your wedding someday. idk how i'll bear it. 90 — he's so good for me, but i miss you.

91 — hope life brings us back together sometime. coincidences exist… you were my favourite one. 92 — you see me differently than everyone else does. thank you. 93 — i want you so fucking bad!! 94 — sometimes its the ‘what ifs’ that torture me the most. 95 — i love you so much that i typed it all out and it wouldn’t fit. 96 — i have about two failed talking stages left in me before i start casting spells for you again. 97 — i love you so much, i pray every night that i get to keep you. 98 — i remember every detail of what you told me that night. i doubt you even remember my last name. 99 — i wish you knew how much i wish we had worked out. 100 — sometimes i wonder what would've happened if it were you. if it were us. 101 — i stare at my ceiling trying to figure out what went wrong. i'd like to think you do too. 102 — i wanted you to fight for me. 103 — when you find your way back, don't call, i'm finally happy. 104 — i never thought i'd meet someone like you. thank you for saving my life. 105 — i miss you but don’t ever fucking come back. 106 — i can’t believe i never told you how hard i fell for you. i would've done anything to be yours. 107 — still you. 108 — i am terrified i will never feel such an intense connection to someone again. 109 — god knows i tried my best with you. 110 — i keep seeing you in everyone. i wish i didn't. i don't know if i know you anymore. 111 — happy would-have-been 4 years… all those fragments still cut me. 112 — i look forward to the day that every time i see an astrology article i don't check yours. 113 — you broke your arm and i just want to call you. it's weird that i don't know everything about you anymore. 114 — why did i have to find you at the wrong time? 115 — do you ever wear the necklace i gave you? i still wear my half… 116 — i cried tears of happiness when i realised i was finally over you. 117 — i miss how easy things used to be between us. 118 — we didn't grow apart. you gave up. 119 — are you as head over heels as i am? 120 — all i can do is sit here and watch you grow into the wonderful person i once called mine…

121 — i don't want to just love you. i want our souls to merge. 122 — you deserve the world and i wanna be the one to give it to you. 123 — can we just go back to how it was in the summer? 124 — you only miss me at night. 125 — thank you for being my place to go when i can't go home. 126 — if you're that lonely, come be lonely with me. 127 — just say you miss me and i'm all yours. 128 — will it always be like this between us? 129 — tell me you love me. 130 — it's your loss. 131 — i sometimes wonder if i was just a rebound to you. 132 — my finger hovers over the send button every night. i just can’t hit it. 133 — you gave her the love i begged you to give me. 134 — why not me? WHY not me? why NOT me? why not ME?

[choking-on-dandelions]

any favorite vocaloid producers (or songs)

Producers, definitely Deco*27 is up there. So bouncy and fun yet also so melancholic and bittersweet. A good range of feels. Great range of songs if a bit melodically similar on certain tracks. Pinnochio-P was my focus for a minute not too long ago, excellent producer! Utsu-P is really good, love the intensity in their work! Vocaloid moshpit type music for sure, has intrigued random people who don't listen to Japanese music in my day-to-day life. Wowaka was one of the very first producers I stumbled upon back in the day before his passing (r.i.p. to a legend💔) and man, those songs, all that raw emotion, the way you don't even need to understand the words to feel that hole shatter through your heart midway through and in that moment the language barrier is totally irrelevant anyways, you suddenly just get it. Giga has a smooth cool hip-hop sound (I've really only listened to them within the last couple years admittedly), same with Syudou. GHOST and Creep-P are great spooky tune makers. But let's not forget to respect one of the forefathers of creepy Halloween-y vocaloid music, Machigerita-P.

I could go on and on for daysss and believe it or not, I'm still not done learning all there is to know! There's sooo many amazing Vocaloid producers that it would take forever to find them all. Obviously the most popular will be an easy search but the smaller more indie producers make some absolute BANGERS!

Favorite songs? Oho boy, strap in, have I got a list for you! You're gonna regret this, I promise you lol now don't worry this will only hurt a little ^o^

(My anthem dedicated to all my friends, new and old, near and far💖)

(It's a bop, Dasu rolls out banger after banger)

(Bad bitch energy on the dancefloor)

(A lot of regular people seem to like this one)

(Can sing this one nearly perfectly, friends fell in love at first sound then felt sad after seeing the lyrics)

(The song that broke my heart)

(The song that broke my heart pt 2 - The Tribute)

(WOAH OH OH WOAH-OH OH OHH)

(That into s l a p s though)

(Try not to dance, it's impossible)

Oh damn this is gonna be a huuuuge wall on everyone's dash now, SORRY GUYS!! Vocaloid is a long-time passion interest and I consider it a hugely defining part of my lore, I could literally talk about it for hours and hours and hours well into the next day if you give me the chance. If you're curious and want to know more and listen to more songs feel free to message me, I have an entire ever-expanding playlist! I'd love to share what I love with potential new fans!💖

Probably my favorite ask I've gotten so far on Tumblr, this made my entire afternoon! I hope it was half as fun for you, dear anon, as it was for me! Thank you so sweetly!💖💖

[n-brio]

✨About Me✨

Thanks to @somethingusefulfromflorida for tagging me!

NICKNAME: I've had a few over the years but none of them are current. I've been Lefty, Stan, Tuna, and a secret fourth one I won't tell you all because it's derived from my actual name.

SIGN: I have had a semi-active contempt for astrology ever since I politely sat through an ex whinging about how his friends all secretly hate him and it isn't fair and he doesn't even know what he did wrong etc. etc. nonstop for an hour over Skype way back when. "Why don't you just ask them what's going on?" "I can't do that. Pisces don't talk about their feelings." Take some responsibility for your choices!!

HEIGHT: 5'4"… and a half!

LAST GOOGLE SEARCH: "i hope somebody got fired for that blunder"

SONG STUCK IN YOUR HEAD?: Dusty Dunes Desert, Earthbound

FOLLOWERS: 27, and it is indeed that many and not a bugged/inflated count. I try not to let the fame get to me 😌

LUCKY NUMBER: I also don't believe in lucky numbers.

SLEEP: I shoot for eight hours, but I can survive as long as it's more than seven. Any less and I get real stupid (well, stupider) real fast. I used to fast for days with no problem, but I need sleep and I don't fuck around with that.

DREAM JOB: Writer or voice actor for a Crash Bandicoot cartoon… I know in my heart I have neither the talent nor connections to make it happen, but I can dream! 🥲

WEARING: Black-and-white floral print yoga pants, novelty T-shirt from Mother Bear's pizzeria in Bloomington, Indiana, a city I've never been to. Notable for its mascot which made my high school teachers do double takes and gives Tawna a run for her money:

FAVORITE SONGS: Too many to count, so I'll name just one from each of my playlists: Sloop John B by the Beach Boys Synchronicity I by The Police December, 1963 (Oh, What a Night) by the Four Seasons Animal Impulses by IAMX Useewa (Shut Up) by syudou Ekoroshia (Kill Command) by Masafumi Takada Cliff Town by Stewart Copeland Dive Remix by Mewmore

(Nobody is obligated to listen to these, just if you're curious. I'm not assigning anyone homework hahaha)

FAVORITE INSTRUMENT: Uhh, vocals? I took a couple years of choir and was the "weakest link", but I had fun… (´ᴗ` )

AESTHETIC: I'm not a fan of the "aesthetic"/"[x]core" style of self-expression. I think it's better to keep an open mind and try to find something interesting/appealing in all styles, images, art etc. You may notice patterns in the things I like/share, but I'm not fussed about putting names to them.

FAVORITE AUTHOR: I don't usually search out books by a specific author. I've recently enjoyed books by Khaled Hosseini (The Kite Runner and A Thousand Splendid Suns), Gillian Flynn (Sharp Objects), Douglas Adams (The Long Dark Teatime of the Soul), and Tara Westover (Educated).

FAVORITE COLOR: Individual colors are less important than the color scheme they are a part of. Any color can be beautiful if it is paired with the right complement. That said, any scheme that stars jade or olive green, pastel pink, burgundy, dark brown, or black tends to win me over.

FAVORITE ANIMAL SOUNDS: Cat purrs. Frogs chirping on a summer night. Cicadas buzzing.

LAST SONG: The Night by Aurelio Voltaire. So I (like many others) learned about this song through the animated music video by Daria Cohen, but I just learned now that there's apparently an alternate version with an extra set of lyrics that the original lacks.

LAST SERIES: If you mean like TV, I don't really watch much nowadays. My sister and I are working through Earthbound and Psychonauts right now though (alternating between the two).

RANDOM: Anime Dr. Frankenstein lives in my room. I didn't draw him.

Tagging @frostconebite, @mikey-putrid, @lesserbilboy, @worpworp, @sleuth-hounds, @rhadinesthes and anyone else who wants to do it \o/

[morgbin]

Friday 9/27 (Day 12)

Yesterday I was asked "what's to stop anyone from just skipping work any day they don't feel like coming?" and today has proved the answer is "absolutely nothing."

I got up at 7:45, which means I had to miss both breakfast *and* making lunch - so I grabbed a protein shake and a packet of dry ramen to eat on the bus and hoped the fluffers had enough snack bars to get me through lunch. I got on the bus and ... there was *one* other person on. We waited till 8:05 and still, the bus is less than half full. Last night at the bar was "Al Night Long", an Al Yankovich themed party, and people went all out. A little too all out, it seems.

At morning meeting, DA says we're gonna change plans and only cover one block today: F to G. We're gonna start at 6:00 and half of the crew will go clockwise and the other half counter clockwise, and we'll meet back up at 12:00 (address) at the end of the day. This is because of how few people we are today. He stresses how important attendance is, and encourages us to lightly peer pressure our friends who are back at their bunks sleeping off the hangover.

Consider this the continuation of yesterday's post - since today was a pretty typical day.

I decide to join Knots' line, which turns out to be a great choice. It's Knots and Starchild on our side of the city, and the vibes are excellent. from the first "Death March" until our first fluff break, we've got "Born A Worm" on repeat and everyone is singing along in high spirits. After that, the oscillator is playing weirdass songs but thankfully nothing too annoying on loop. Our first fluff break is around 11am. When we get to the end of the block, instead of driving away from us and towards the next block (to keep us facing the right direction), the fluffer trucks throw open their back doors and pull out their coolers full of water/Gatorade and the buckets of snacks. We have about 15 minutes to sit in the shade of the fluffer truck, chat, hydrate, smoke cigarettes, and snack.

After that it's back to the lines for another hour and a bit, before lunch break. Today we're told to get back on the busses and the two groups meet up at center camp for lunch. Dan Berry has brought out his taco truck and I get in line for some fresh tacos. This always seems to happen on the days I forget my lunch, thankfully!!

Unfortunately though, partway through lunch, the most assholish fluffer starts playing the whistle stop song on loop. This is something I haven't touched on here yet and I ...don't have the energy to go into it right now, but, suffice to say that there's a culture here of playing annoying songs on repeat until someone has a "meltdown" and they think it's fucking hilarious and I am Not A Fan.

Actually, tbh they don't even stop after the fucking meltdown, so fuck this and fuck them and especially fuck Tiny.

ANYWAY they were playing this stupid fucking song on repeat at lunch so I put in my earplugs and headphones and had an antisocial 30 minute lunch.

sidenote: the oscillator running on Knots' line, Juicebox, is a perfectly normal human about all this. They were playing a sensible-to-play-on-repeat electronic song while we were walking on the line. When it came time for a break, I asked "could we get some variety for the break?" they nodded and then switched to a playlist. And that was the entire interaction and no one was a dick about it. AS IT SHOULD BE.

Anyway, after lunch we get driven back to the part of the city we were walking previously. The afternoon is a little rougher sun-wise, so it goes a bit slower. This is a video I took of the process, as you can see it's pretty tedious but satisfying.

We get another 15 minute fluff break around 2:30, and thennnn ~3:30 is the most beloved tradition: Morale!

For Morale, all of the fluffer trucks and busses group up together just like for lunch and situate themselves to provide maximum shade. The fluffers put coolers out on the ground and everyone is free to grab their own beers. These are all still donations from Collexedus, so it's a motly assortment.

On Saturdays, Morale is also when timecards are signed. Morale lasts about half an hour, and then we go back to the lines for one more block before we get back onto the busses to make our way back to Shoreline.

At Shoreline, we sort our moop into recycling, trash, batteries, and metal scrap.

Then we get back on the busses yet again and head out to Gerlach/the Ranch.

That was Friday! I had a great evening hanging out with some cool folks and went to bed 👍👍

[nathank77]

4/27/24

10:59 p.m Edited/Added to

So I had heart palpitations when I closed my eyes again last night... luckily they passed and fell asleep on just the half MG of xanax. I didn't need any other drugs, thankfully.

I woke up around 12, that's the longest I've slept straight through the night since psychosis minus after microsleep, while I was smoking weed. The nights I didn't microsleep during October I could sleep through like 7-10 hours. That was only like 4 or 5 nights between October 10th and November 3rd... and then when I started sleeping regularly again I was able to sleep like 6-10 hours straight when I was smoking pot. Then I quit pot and insomnia got terrible...

And before Xanax when I finally fell asleep after, "black heading," for hours I could stay asleep longer like 6-10 hours but it took so long just to fall asleep and some nights I never did...

Then I started Xanax and I've been able to fall asleep but usually i wake up ever 2-3 hours...

Anyways I took benadryl at 12 and then passed back out. Woke up at 2 p.m and then fell back to sleep without benadryl and slept until about 3:30 or 4 p.m idk bc microsleep fucked with my ability to know if I slept or not... all I know is that's why I keep a sleep tracker...

I decided not to do my laundry... I need to do my bedding and I've been putting it off bc my hoodies pile up so fast from Contamination.. and I need to have them to use the sleeves to grab stuff, so i have to plan to do my bedding the day after I do my clothing and towels bc otherwise I have a huge pile and can't do it all in one day.

However I needed a day with limited to no bathroom time. My laundry machine is in the bathroom, and even if it wasn't, doing laundry triggers major OCD. So I just decided to have a red bull day aka two 12oz red Bulls in a day and play video games.

I'm glad I made that decision. I'm playing bully and working on chapter 5. I am cooking dinner and taking a break. I should have that finished and uploaded prob around 3 or 4 a.m depending on how slow my MacBook is bc I've had to piece together the video bc of breaks... I'm taking pictures so I can submit them to apple so I can get my computer looked at and have a case at the apple store but I have to do it over the phone first and submit pictures. To combine a 1 hour video I have to wait 20 minutes it's ridiculous.

Anyways, I got my sneakers, I love them but the right shoe squeezes my baby toe strangely I've been fucking with the laces but I can't seem to get it right. Idk if this is one of those beauty is pain things or what but I might return them bc it's uncomfortable and if I get lines in them, they won't take them back but we see. It's actually both toes when I walk... I might do a return.

I'm hoping I can get some good gameplay today. Unfortunately I'm stuck on my old Xbox one s bc my stupid cloud saves won't transfer over to my series x which is fucking obnoxious...

Idc about most of my saves but I care about some-

1) Silent Hill 2 bc of my 10 star thank God that transferred over.

2) far cry 2 bc I have a over 20 hour save file and I'm half way through the game but it won't transfer to my new system......

3) Bully bc I have almost a 100% completion save file and one achievement left for 100% but it won't transfer.....

4) Minecraft bc of my castle which I've invested over 36 days working on thankfully that transferred over.

5) Silent Hill Homecoming bc I unlocked all the endings but whatever I can live without it even though it's obnoxious.... it won't transfer..

Anyways I won't play fc2 on my old system bc I'll easily play over 20 hours on the second half so I have to troubleshoot it..... I already tried for hours last night.

I'm sucking up bully for now to finish my playlist and I may accept losing the 100% completion save file which is fucked.

It's nice trying to relax but technology is a bitch and yea... I only picked Bully bc it doesn't trigger my OCD.

Also I've noticed at least in one way my hallucination has improved. When I played bully months ago the entire experience was intruded upon by the hallucination... however I think the last time I played it was like November when it was much worse.

There is a lot of dialogue so it helps drown it out. I've noticed with games with dialogue I can enjoy them mostly.

[dolly-on-the-dotted-line]

Changes: Masterlist

Javier Peña (Narcos)

Snippets of your life with Javier Peña, together or otherwise.

Pairing: Young!Javier Peña x f!Reader

Rating: 18+

Summary: Changes charts the course of your life with Javi as the two of you navigate the boundary between part-time lovers and life-long best friends.

A/N: A self-indulgent exercise that started as a one-off fantasy and ended up as a full-blown character study. Entirely driven by the fact I can’t get the idea of young!Javier Peña out of my head. I read so much wonderful Javi writing on this site and decided to finally give it a go myself. This is my first ever fic so this is definitely uncharted territory for me. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I'm enjoying writing it!

This is a relaxed fit fic that has/ will be written sporadically but can be followed chronologically.

Chapter Index

Laredo, Summer, Age 19: Changes

Laredo, Autumn, Age 21: The Storm/ Catholic Guilt

Fairfax, Autumn, Age 22: Strangers

Laredo, Summer, Age 24: High School Reunion

Laredo, Winter, Age 24: The Christmas Party

Laredo, Spring, Age 27: Cousin Stella’s Wedding

Bogotá, Summer, Age 28: Moving Out

Bogotá, Winter, Age 31: Visiting Hours 

Laredo, Spring, Age 34: Back Again

Interludes

Laredo, Winter, Age 19: Doorway

Brownsville, Spring, Age 20: Restraint

Laredo, Spring, Age 22: Night Owl

Laredo, Autumn, Age 22: Different

Laredo, Summer, Age 23: Bathroom Sink

Laredo, Winter, Age 23: Tender

Ann Arbor, New Year, Age 24: Solicitation

New York, Summer, Age 25: Razing

Laredo, Spring, Age 26: Altar

New York, Spring, Age 30: Dumbstruck

Bonus

'Changes' Chronological Timeline

Spin off: Rosie (Jack Daniels/Agent Whiskey x f!Reader)

Notes on 'Changes'

Javi and Bug's Mixtape

'Changes' Playlist Commentary

[sundaysundaes]

My Words, Your Thoughts (Teaser)

Lee Donghyuck/Haechan X Reader | Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Smut | Soulmate AU, Friends-to-Lovers AU

Part of the beautiful ‘Aubade’ collaboration hosted by @hyucksie​

Synopsis: As an introvert, you are familiar with the silence. Drowning yourself deep in your thoughts has been a habit you’ve become addicted to. Your life begins to change, however, ever since the day you turned twenty. Suddenly, there’s this song that’s stuck in your head, and no matter how much you yearn to hear your thoughts or be comforted by the silence, it keeps on playing. You only get to find the answer to your problem when a young, cute barista hands you a cup of coffee one day, with that song’s lyrics written on the side. And you realize that you’re not the only one who’s been hearing voices in your head.

Warnings: explicit sex, expletives, mentions of physical abuse and astraphobia (not for the main characters)

WC (Teaser): 4k

Release Date: June 27, 2021, 10 AM KST

It’s weird. It’s so weird.

It’s weird that you’ve been hearing this song replaying over and over again in your head when you’re sure you’ve never listened to it before. It’s also weird because sometimes the song sounds like the ones you often hear about on the radio—complete with instrumental accompaniment and everything—but most of the time, it just sounds like someone is humming to it. Sometimes quietly, but more often than not, vehemently like they’re having a concert in the shower, not caring if the neighbors might hear.

As someone who rarely listens to mainstream music, you don’t keep up with the trend these days but the tunes are catchy enough that you think, maybe, it’s one of those Justin Bieber’s songs people always talk about. You’re not fond of it, though, so even if you’ve heard it somewhere in a cafe or a mall, there’s very little chance you’ll be humming it in your head.

And yet, it keeps on playing.

It gets worse when it goes on for a whole day—a whole fucking day—that your brain feels like it’s seconds away from bursting into pieces. It doesn’t even sound like your voice. It seems like it belongs to a male, a bit light and a pitch higher than most. Though it sounds pleasant, the voice is unfamiliar to your ears and that’s what bothers you the most. 

Trying your best to escape, you plug in your AirPods to your earholes, choosing one of the most beloved tracks from your playlist—today, it’s Bloom by The Paper Kites—to help you relax as you lie down on your bed. But no matter how many times you turn up the volume—it’s practically turning you deaf, ironically—you can still hear that one goddamn song playing.

“Oh my God,” you groan, projecting a murderous glare at the ceiling of your room before you shriek all of your heart’s content to your pillow. “Make it stop!”

This has been going on ever since your twentieth birthday and it’s been three months since then—three months of suffering, to be exact. Fortunately for you, you haven’t been listening to the same song for those amount of time—God, you would’ve killed yourself if that was the case. The song changes without warning. It can change ten times within a day, or stay the same for ten days. You have never heard of these songs except for the popular ones, and even then, you only ever listened to snippets as they don’t suit your taste. 

So… It doesn’t make sense that you could recite the whole lyrics, does it? 

And yet, you can. 

Somehow, you already know every word, every tune, even every ad-lib in these songs and it both amazes and creeps you out. It’s as if somebody else is singing about it in their mind, and you, somehow, are mentally connected to them.

But that’s surely not the case, right?

With more days passing by, as your brain deteriorates little by little, you start to think that maybe that is the case.

Or maybe you’re just going crazy.

It’s nine in the morning and your eyes are bleary from how you involuntarily skipped sleep last night. With the loudest sigh and your half-charged MacBook sitting still in your backpack, you let your wobbly legs carry you to the nearest coffee shop. There’s a new Starbucks store opening just a couple of blocks away from your apartment and it’s perfect since you’re going to pass it every day on your way to college. 

You’re not excited though, not when you have Michael Jackson’s Man in The Mirror playing in your head for the, approximately, thirty-fifth time that day. And it’s only nine in the fucking morning.

When you enter the coffee shop, greeted by a cute Christmas tree and festive decorations spreading all over the place even when it’s still three weeks away from the holiday, you almost weep in joy when the song stops playing in your head. It does happen from time-to-time, sometimes it stops for a few hours before it starts again with the same song or an entirely different one. But in most cases, it only pauses for a few minutes which just doubles the torture whenever you’re trying to concentrate on your paperwork.

“Hi.” You display a timid smile at a female barista, slightly wincing when the song in your head starts blaring again, as expected. It’s still the same song this time—so that thirty-sixth by now, Jesus Christ—but instead of someone humming it, it’s the original version that plays. You’re having trouble focusing on her greeting when the sound of a synthesizer echoes through your ear, stridently so. “I would like a tall skinny latte with a double shot, please.”

“Would you like anything else to accompany your drink?”

Perhaps a gun to blow my head off? “No, thanks. That’d be all for me.”

“Is that for here or to go?”

You take a quick scan of your surroundings. You still have an hour before your first class starts and since the place isn’t that crowded, you figure you might as well just spend some time here. “For here.”

You tell her your name and slide down your card to complete the payment. “All right. We will call your name once your order is ready.”

“Fantastic. Thanks.” As the female barista takes an order from another customer, you drag yourself to an empty seat in the corner of the room, next to the glassy window where you can glance at passersby. You lay your head down on the table, cheek pressed against the wooden surface, lower lip jutting out in weariness. You’re drowsy and you want to think about the snow that’s probably gonna fall sometimes near Christmas’ Day and maybe the sight of a warm fireplace where you can cozy up with your imaginary boyfriend (also known as Jung Jaehyun—that one perfect boy who lives just across of your hallway), but no, unfortunately for you, you no longer have any space left in your brain since Michael Jackson is performing a damn concert and it doesn’t seem like he’s gonna stop anytime soon.

“I’m starting with the man in the mirror…” Great, now you’re singing it. “I’m asking him to change his ways…”

The music in your head abruptly stops again but before you can close your eyes to finally enjoy your silence, a familiar voice chimes in.

“It’s a great song, isn’t it?”

Shocked, you quickly lift your head to identify a male barista placing down a cup of your ordered latte on your table. You swear you recognize his voice but his face doesn’t ring a bell.

“Hi,” he greets, smiling a bit sheepishly. “I don’t usually bring orders directly to the table but I think I misheard your name so I couldn’t call you out from there.”

“That’s, umm, that’s okay…” You hide the bottom half of your face behind your scarf as you’re not used to talking to a stranger, especially one that looks overwhelmingly pretty. “What did you think my name was?”

“Umm…” He rubs the back of his nape awkwardly. “I don’t think you want to know. It was a bit… inappropriate.”

“R-right…” You glance at the cup. “It says ‘Michael.’”

He chuckles but with only a slight hint of amusement in it. “Yeah, sorry about that. I had to come up with something and it was the first thing that came to mind.”

“And it has…” Your eyes widen when you notice the words he’s written on the side of your cup. It’s not a greeting, it’s not a motivational sentence, it’s the fucking lyrics to Michael Jackson’s Man in The Mirror.

“Yeah, okay, so—” Noticing the appalled look on your face, he hurriedly tries to reason out. “I’ve had this song stuck in my head all day long—I just listened to it a minute ago while making your order—and the lyrics are just so inspirational so I decided to write that down. I hope that’s not too weird.” Then he laughs a little, a tad more genuinely this time. “But I heard you singing that song just now. What are the chances, right?”

You swallow hard. He’s been thinking about that song too? Listened to it a minute ago? What are the chances of this is happening? Is he the one whose voices I’ve been hearing in my head—

The male barista abruptly takes a step back, his tray nearly slipping out of his hold. He has a hand pressed against his ear, eyes blinking several times in disbelief. “Holy shit.”

“Excuse me?”

“You—” He splutters, Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. “I can’t believe it’s real.”

“What?” The way he seems like he’s looking at a ghost sends goosebumps all over your skin. “What is it?”

“Think about something.” 

“Umm—” What is he talking about?

This time he gapes, his jaw dropping low. “Holy shit, I can really hear you. Think about something else—think about me.”

“Look, I don’t know you and you’re being weird.” The sudden change of conversation baffles you but when his words sink in, you can’t stop yourself from thinking about him as he orders. He’s cute, his entire features are cute—you’ve noticed that from the first second you laid your eyes on him, but what catches your eyes the most is his lips—the way they’re shaped so beautifully, like a cupid’s bow—

“You’re thinking about my lips? Seriously?” He asks, but might as well splash cold water to your face. “If you said something about my eyes, sure, I mean, they are attractive. One might even say that God Himself took the stars from the sky and put them in my eyes—but my lips? Huh, that’s new.”

You loudly gasp when you’re finally aware of the situation, hands flying to your face to cover your gaping mouth. “You can hear my thoughts!”

“And you can hear mine too!” He points out, and as startled as you are from the previous realization, you instantly frown upon his words. 

“I don’t think so,” you reply. “I can only hear—”

“Donghyuck-ah!” Another barista comes to interrupt from the other side of the room. “We didn’t pay you to flirt, come back here!”

“I wasn’t flirting!” He shouts back, tips of his ears reddening. When he turns to you again, he has a prominent scowl on his face which makes you squirm on your feet. “We need to talk about this. My break is in an hour, do you think you can wait?”

It sounds more like an order than a request. “B-but I have a class in an hour.”

“Skip it.”

It takes all the strength in your body to be brave enough to retort back with, “Why don’t you skip your work?”

“I’m already half-done with my work, I can’t bail out now.” He rolls his eyes. Suddenly, his courteousness just vanishes without a trace. “Look, I’ve been hearing your thoughts for months now and I have a lot to complain to you about.”

You grimace. “It’s not like I can control my thoughts—”

“I know, I’m not blaming you.” He picks up the tray, his gaze softening but only slightly. “I just want to complain. You’ve been driving me crazy these past few months.”

You glance away, pouting. Wow, he surely knows how to befriend a stranger.

“I can hear you, you know.” He sighs as if talking to you is exhausting, when it should be the other way around. “Look, I’m sure you’ve been going through the same thing. Don’t you want this to stop?”

You’re not wasting any second. “Yes, please.”

“Then wait for me. We’ll talk this through.” He pivots on his heels, his tray glued to his side. When you can finally breathe properly, exhausted from the social interaction as you sink back to your seat, the barista—Donghyuck—adds, “Oh, as you wait. Can you please stop thinking about my lips? Or just how cute I am in general? It’s sweet but I gotta concentrate so I won’t write another Michael on my next order.”

You slam your forehead down the table, face aflame. “I-I’ll try.”

“Thanks.”

***

“You just can’t stop thinking about my lips, can you?” Is the first thing Donghyuck states out as soon as he’s approached your table. He runs a hand through his brown hair, which looks out-worldly fluffy that you begin to wonder what kind of hair product he’s been using. “Or my hair.”

Mortified, you mumble out, “I’m sorry,” with half of your face covered by your hands. The more I try not to think about his lips, the more I do—shit, is he hearing this too—

“Yes,” Donghyuck says, but this time with an amused smile. “Man, I didn’t know my lips were that appealing to ladies. You’re gonna make me blush.”

Well, he’s making you blush for sure. “Would it be too much to ask for you to stop listening to my thoughts?”

“Believe me, woman, I’ve tried.” He groans, taking his apron off before he sits in front of you. He loosens up his collar, unbuttoning two buttons of his white shirt—which is two more than necessary to your liking—and you have to gaze away before another thought forms inside your head about a certain part of his body. 

“Sorry if I came on too strong before. I’m Lee Donghyuck,” he introduces formally, offering you his hand. You reply with your name but you’re reluctant to shake his hand since you’re sure you’re breaking into a cold sweat, and an overly sweaty palm doesn’t really scream attractive—

“It’s literally just a handshake,” he says, stifling down a laugh. “I’m not gonna start judging you about it. You’re cute, sweaty palms or not.”

You nearly choke. “If I can’t ask you to stop listening to my thoughts, can you please be quiet about them?”

“That’s also impossible since talking is an integral part of my charm.” He leans back to his chair. “I’m pretty good with my mouth.”

That was… a poor choice of words, you think, as you stare at his lips and can’t help but wonder what can that mouth do other than talking. You take a bite of the bagel you just ordered, desperately trying to avert your attention.

“It wasn’t a poor choice of words.” He winks. “I did mean that in every way possible.”

This time, you really are choking.

“Okay, so what’s happening to us?” Donghyuck questions, after you manage to shed a tear or two during your attempt in relieving your throat. “Why have I been hearing your thoughts? I don’t even know you.”

“Same here.” You’re still going through a hard time keeping eye contact with him, but with more seconds passing by—and him pronouncing every bit of your thoughts out in the open—the knots inside your chest begin to loosen. “Ever since I turned twenty, I’ve been hearing these songs playing in my head that I’d never even heard of.”

“Never heard of?” Donghyuck snorts. “What, you never listen to Billboard’s top forty?”

You weakly shrug. “I prefer indie music better. Or instrumentals.”

“I would say that you have a soul of an old lady but the way you’ve been thinking about my lips reminds me of my sister who’s going through puberty.”

“Okay, this isn’t fair.” You shake your head, ashamed and tired of being humiliated over something you can’t fix. “Why can you hear my thoughts but I can’t hear yours?”

“Believe me, you’re much better off this way.” His face contorts in pain which makes you feel somewhat sorry if he’s not constantly being an ass about it. Hearing your insult, he notes, “Also, I’d prefer to be called with terms of endearment in the future, if that’s okay with you. Something like Babe or Darling.” The way he raises his eyebrow is just strictly illegal. “And in return, I’ll call you Sweetheart.” But before you can say anything—or run toward a running bus to put an end to this endless humiliation—he questions, “Wait, when you hear the songs I’ve been thinking in my head, does it sound like the original version of the song, or like me singing it?”

Finally, a proper conversation. “If you’re listening to the actual music, I can hear the original song as if I’m hearing it through my headphones. But when you’re just thinking about it, well, I‘ve never heard you sing, but,” you decide to tease him back—which startles you from how blatant you’re being. “From how amateur and pitchy this voice sounded in my head, I think I’ve been hearing yours.”

“Cute.” He scrunches up his nose. “Okay, let’s try again. Can you hear what song running through my head now?”

You stiffen, sitting in silence. After a few seconds pass by with only you exchanging stern stares at each other, your eyes gleam with a spark of hope. “Wait, I can’t hear you. Does this mean it stops? Because we’ve met in person?”

“Sadly no, because I was just thinking about how silly you looked when you choked over your food earlier.” He chuckles to himself and sends you another wink when you degrade him in your head. “Okay, let’s try again.”

“For real this time?”

“For real this time, Sweetheart.” He closes his eyes, holding back a smile when he catches how you flinch a little at his pet name for you. This time, you really do hear him humming inside your mind. “Don’t tell me by words,” he immediately adds, “Just think about them.”

Heaving a sigh, you close your eyes too. I’ve heard this song somewhere.

“If you’ve never heard about this song, I will literally cry and apologize to the world on your behalf.”

Be quiet, please, I’m trying to concentrate.

“Worried that you’d be thinking about my lips again?”

You almost fall from your seat. Almost. Okay, you’re singing to… You knit your eyebrows together as you provide your best effort to remember the tunes. You’re singing to Super Mario Bros theme song?

“Correct.” He taps his fingers to the table, simpering. “This is actually pretty cool. We can be, like, partners in crime or something.”

You shudder. “Please don’t tell me you’re an actual criminal.”

“If looking this handsome is a crime then I am, yes. Guilty as charged.” He makes a kissy face when you think about throwing the rest of your bagel to his head. “You look like someone who writes fan-fiction about their idols having sappy first kisses in your spare time but you’re actually pretty wild in your head, aren’t you?” He loves seeing your reactions, you know that, so you give your all in trying to act nonchalant. “Now, let’s try again. Did you bring your headphones with you?”

You check your coat’s pocket. “I got my AirPods.”

“Perfect. Put them on and play something from your phone.” As someone who’s pretty carefree, he can get serious at times. “Play as loud as you can until you feel like you’re going deaf.”

“I’ve tried that many times.” You nearly wail at the memory. “But it’s hard to drown your voice since it comes from inside my head.”

“Yeah, I know that. I’ve been hearing your thoughts too, remember? Don’t you think I would at least try something like that?” You narrow your eyes menacingly at him but he simply waves you off. “Anyway, that’s not what I’m trying to do. Put them on and you’ll see.”

He’s ordering you around. He just met you and he’s ordering you around. Socializing with people in general already zaps your energy pretty quickly, so socializing with a brat—

“I’ll grow on you, don’t worry.” He smirks and you take a mental note to really learn how to control your thoughts this time.

You follow his lead, as requested, connecting your AirPods to your phone and play something relaxing—because God knows how desperately you need it—as loudly as you can bear. Okay, go try… whatever it is that you want to try.

He smiles and shifts slightly on his seat, facing the window. His eyes glimmer under the light when he parts his lips, mouthing some words—no, singing something that you can’t hear.

Wait. I can’t hear?

Donghyuck glances at you, a grin breaking further on his lips upon hearing your thought. He gestures to you to take your AirPods away and you nod. Vacation Manor’s You promptly fades as his voice enters, and it’s weird because you’ve heard him sing in your head so many times yet it doesn’t do justice to how beautiful he sounds in real life.

It’s almost angelic, the sound he makes, which is kind of ironic for a little devil that he is. His honeyed voice is soothing, almost like the patter of rain on your window at dawn, lulling you back to sleep. You’re no expert in music but to you, he sounds impeccable that you run out of words to describe how pleasant his voice is to your ears. It’s so distinct, soulful—

Donghyuck giggles. “Thanks.”

—and annoying. “Okay, so what happened?” You try to divert the topic. “I can’t hear you when you’re singing out loud, but I can hear it when you’re thinking about a song?”

“I guess so.” He furrows his eyebrows, deep within his thoughts. “I figured it out when I couldn’t hear your thoughts whenever you spoke out loud. I think we can work from this?”

“So instead of thinking about what I have to say, I should focus more on saying what I want to say?” You shake in horror. “I don’t think I can do that.”

“What, you don’t like talking?”

“I’m…” You swallow your breath. “I’m not really good at that.”

“You’re talking to me just fine now, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, because you make it so easy.”

“Aaw,” he purrs, a lopsided smile painting his face. “Thanks, Sweetheart.”

“No.” You hold up a hand. “I mean, since you can hear my thoughts, I have no other choice but to speak. Also, you seem like you’re the type who just says whatever that comes to mind without worrying too much about my feelings—”

“Hey, now you’re just making me sound rude—”

“You are rude,” You emphasize. “But it works well with me because then I don’t have to hold myself back and pretend to be somebody else.”

“Why do you have to pretend?” He frowns. “Because you’re afraid people are gonna hate you? Judge you on your words?”

“It’s…” You look away, nibbling on your bottom lip. “I just… I’m trying to be a good person so people will like me—”

“I like you,” he says casually as if he was talking about having a cute Pomeranian as a pet, and there you are, almost fainting in your seat. “I mean, in the last forty minutes I’ve known you, I think you’re great the way you are. You don’t have to be good, you just have to be you.” He shifts closer, crossing his arms on the table, and lays his chin on them, gazing up at you with a soft smile that doesn’t match well with his previous attitude. “Don’t you think it’s great if people accept you the way you are?”

You hurriedly take a sip of your coffee, pretending to swallow even if it’s already empty. “You’re… not so bad yourself.”

“What was that?”

“Okay, well I think I should go.” There’s no way you’re gonna repeat that. Donghyuck titters, taking a hold of your wrist when you’re about to stand up from your seat.

“We still have loads to talk about.” You observe the way his fingers linger around your arm, his sun-kissed skin feels silky smooth against your own. “Why don’t we have lunch together? My treat?”

“D-don’t you have work to do?”

“I’ll make an excuse.” 

A barista with the word Jeno written on his name tag walks by and slaps Donghyuck on the back of his head as if it’s something he’s done on a daily basis—probably is. “You’re not going anywhere, asswipe, get back to work.”

When the brunette boy turns to you, he winces. “Or maybe you can give me your number so we can meet up later?”

***

A/N: I’m both nervous and excited for this as this is my first collaboration. Thank you so much, Denise, for having me on this wonderful collab!

[supraveng]

Marvelous friends - Part 4

Series Masterlist previous part

Summary: you and Chris stay in touch during your family vacation

(the gif doesn't relate to the chapter, but look at that face)

dividers by @firefly-graphics

Your 5:30am wake up call came much earlier than you expected, you had barely fallen to sleep when the hotel phone started ringing. It was your own fault for staying up late and drinking more than you usually do on a work night, but it was totally worth it. Chris was so fun to hang out with you would have stayed up all night chatting if he hadn’t abruptly left after your idiot brothers spammed you last night.

Oh well, now all you could do was get ready and catch your 8am flight to Philly. Getting to the airport with almost an hour to spare, you grabbed a coffee and the most fattening pastry (or 2) you could find. Plopping yourself down at your gate with your treats you checked some emails, and sent an update to your brothers, hoping to interrupt any morning peace they may have had since payback was required.

Just before boarding the plane you checked your Instagram account, deciding to post a pic from the signing and your trip to Boston College. You almost choked when you saw that you were now being followed by Chris Evans.

The following week was a blur, every day was a new city, a new hotel, a new airport but it all felt the same, like you were trapped in your very own groundhogs day. Finally making your way through the Miami airport, you turned on your phone knowing the texts you would be receiving from your brothers since your flight had been delayed.

Standing in line for a rental car felt like you were being tested, as soon as it started to move slightly, one of the workers would disappear. What should have taken 20 minutes of waiting was pushing the 1 hour mark. You had already responded to your texts and decided to check your email to see if your pain in the ass manager had made a last minute change to just piss you off more than he already had.

To your surprise he had emailed you a change in schedule that gave you more time to spend with your family, that put an unexpected smile on your face and just in time for your turn at the car rental desk.

“Thank you for your patience, how can I help you?” the clerk told you. You provided your rental info and waited for him to give you the keys so you could start your 2 hour drive. Instead you were told they didn’t have any cars left in what you had reserved. With a sigh you mumbled “of course, why would I expect anything to go right today” “I am sorry ma’am” “It’s ok, I shouldn’t take it out on you, but do you have any cars left? I’m supposed to be on vacation with my family and I still have a long drive ahead of me”

“Well, maybe there is something I can do” he smiled and started typing like a mad man. After a few more minutes, he hands you a set of keys along with your paperwork and his business card. “Here you are, the car is in spot 27, out the double doors and to your left. If you need anything, here is my number, call anytime” he smiles and you thank him before heading out. You made your way to the car and a smile made its way on your face all on it’s own.

Hoping in the car, you put on your favorite playlist and made the drive down US 1 in record time. Once you made it to the resort, you were exhausted and ready to crash but knew that would be impossible. The rest of your family had arrived earlier in the day and you were the last to show just in time for dinner.

Your family dinners were always chaotic, especially when everyone was there. All of your nieces and nephews needing to fill you in on anything they wanted to catch you up on in their lives. Before you had made it back to your rooms, your phone was ringing, so you stepped away to answer it away from the circus that was your family.

By the time you made it in with the rest of the clan, your parents headed to bed, needing a reprieve from all the noise, while the kids were deciding on what movie they should watch for the night. You laughed to yourself when you heard they had decided that this entire week would be a Marvel movie marathon.

Greg, your closest brother, mainly because he married your high school best friend, pulled you aside to catch up on everything that had been going on since you last visited at Christmas. “Why are you interrogating me? We talk religiously, you know all”

He rolled his eyes at you “because, phone calls and text only provide highlights, and I missed my little sister. So, I’m going to grab drinks for us and then you are telling me everything”

“Hey, the rest of us want drinks too, you spoil her, you know that?” of course, your oldest brother, Henry, had to throw in his unwanted opinion. By round 3 of drinks, everyone was up to date with each other, mostly catching up with you since you lived the furthest away and the time difference made it hard to chat as much as you’d like.

For some reason, this was also the time when you began contemplating texting Chris, the problem being there was no reason to text him. The look on Meghan, your sister in law, face should have told you that she was the most sober of the bunch which also meant she would start pulling secrets from any of you without you even realizing it.

Unfortunately, you were not sober enough to detect it and fell right into her trap. “Y/N, what’s the plan after the book tour? Are you staying in California?” she asked a seemingly innocent question.

“Honestly, I have no idea. I need a new manager, Aaron isn’t a good fit and I’ve let too much slide up to this point. Once the tour is over, I’ll replace him and try to make out a plan. I don’t think I want to stay in California, everything is so expensive, but if I’m writing for a show in LA, it would make sense to stay there, so I have no idea” you shrugged as you finished your cocktail.

“Well, have you at least met any celebs while you were out there? Other than your asshole ex” Greg asked as he went to grab you a refill.

“Yea, actually, Sophie and Benedict had been in LA for that last month or so and I met Robert Downey Jr. I have to say, he is one of the nicest people I have ever met, even offered to walk me down the aisle when Sophie’s son was determined we were getting married” you giggled.

“Wow, one meeting and he’s offering to walk you down the aisle? That's rather generous” Greg eyes you and you respond before even thinking.

“Well, it was kind of a weekend of hanging out with him and his wife, they invited me to a party, really nice people” you shrug as if that explained everything.

Your sister in law, Jan, popped up at that and sat right next to you “you were at a party with Benedict at RDJ’s house? Who else was there?” she asked like she was getting top secret details.

“Oh, I ran into Sebastian Stan” you tell her, rather proud you remembered.

“Oh, I ran into Sebastian Stan'' she mimics you “like that’s a common occurrence? WTH Y/N?”

“Well, he and I worked together when I was living in NY, but I guess he’s more popular now?” you shrug, not sure why she seems so upset.

She rolls her eyes at you before storming off for a drink refill. Your brother, Garrison, took her spot “you know she’s living vicariously through you and all your star studded friends” he pulled you into a side hug right before his wife returned and took her seat in his lap.

Before the conversation could go any further, your phone chimed.

Chris: hope vaca is treating you well, looks like you are riding in style

He almost immediately regretted the text “good, now she knows I’m stalking her social media” Chris groaned to himself.

Everyone in the room noticed the big stupid grin you had on your face, but decided to observe rather than push, knowing you wouldn’t give away more info than you wanted to.

It’s been pretty good so far, playing catch up with my bros and their wives

Chris was relieved you responded so quickly, maybe he wasn’t so creepy after all

Chris: sounds fun, hope the dozen kids aren't driving you crazy

No, they are being entertained with a movie marathon at the moment, so it’s relatively calm

Chis: well have fun and enjoy your time off

Chris cringed, he was debating about reaching out to you so soon, but luckily you responded right away and didn’t seem annoyed that he was interrupting your family time

I am so far, even when I’m the 3rd wheel

Well, I guess right now I’m the 9th wheel

Yikes, that sounds even more pathetic

I’m sorry for rambling, I’ve had a few cocktails

Chris: no need to apologize, it’s vacation, I would worry if you weren’t throwing back a few

Chris: so what is the drink of choice for the evening?

I honestly don’t know what it is, Gar mixed a couple of pitchers and has been keeping my cup full for that last 2 hours

Chris: that’s good, I bet he’s the favorite brother…

Oh no, I don’t have favorites……..Gar is the nurturer in the group, he bartended for years, so he’s usually our go to for keeping us inebriated, and he’s a chef so he’s always feeding us

Chris: well, he would definitely be my favorite brother

In moments like this yes, when we need to be on our best behavior, he’s the worst

Chris: sounds like fun all around

Until we are all hungover tomorrow and our parents scold us for it

Chris: easy fix for that

Oh yea, and what’s that

Chris: keep drinking! You're on vacation, live it up!

You couldn’t help but laugh at his suggestion

Easy for you to say, we’re spending the day on the water, not sure how boating and drinking will be, but only time will tell

Chris: that’s the spirit! Have fun and stay safe 😁

By the time you looked up, your siblings were talking about other stuff with work and kids. When Marie noticed you had put your phone down, she decided to have the ladies separate from their husbands so they could really catch up.

“So, I bought this amazing new mud mask, why don’t we head back to our villa, leave the guys here with the kids and we can have a mini spa treatment, just the five of us?” she asked as she surveyed the room. You all agreed instantly but first requesting another pitcher of cocktails before heading out

Once you made it out of earshot of the boys, you expected the interrogation to start but instead they waited until the next round of drinks were poured.

“Are you going to tell us who you were texting or do we have to steal your phone to find out?” Jan asked with the raise of her eyebrow.

“Wow…. it was my friend, just checking to see how my vacation was going” you shrugged, knowing you had to really try hard to keep quiet about what was going on.

“Does this friend have a name?”

“Of course, who do you know that doesn’t have a name?” you snarked back, beginning to giggle at how hilarious you are when you're tipsy.

Meghan rolled her eyes "what's the friend's name?"

"Chris" you responded immediately without thinking.

Marie was getting the mud mask for everyone when Jan's eyes widened "please tell me it's Chris Evans!"

"Um, why would you say that?" you knew you were caught but your drunk brain thought it could help you out by confusing everyone else first.

"Well, 1) we know you, you wouldn't give your number to someone you just met if you didn't trust them; 2) you would give your number to someone who you had mutual friends with this Chris; 3) you went to a party at ROBERT DOWNEY JR's house, with Benedict, so I'm going to assume there are other Marvel actors there; 4) Chris Hemsworth is married, Chris Pratt is married, Chris Evans is HOT and around your age"

She smirks at you, rather proud of herself and all you can do is stare at her "wow, for someone who sells insurance you are quite the detective" you nod and finish your drink.

"Come on Y/N, we are all a bunch of married ladies, and while we love your brothers, none of them look like this" Annette tells you as she hands you her phone. A bit confused you look at the picture on the screen and are completely shocked

"OMG! Where did you get this picture?" you shake your head and realize you are probably drooling but you have never seen anything so damn good in your life.

"That's not important right now, just tell us if that's who you were all giddy with" she practically whines.

You look up eying her "it's always the quiet ones" you shake your head again and hand her back her phone.

"Just tell us" they all practically scream in frustration. Looking around the room you decide it can't hurt to be honest, they are your family "well, I've never seen him in the tub before so I can't be sure" you start giggling again, that picture along with the 8 or 9 drinks you've had is causing you to get a bit hot and bothered.

Marie rolls her eyes at you "did you look at his face?"

"Did you!?" At this point you are all laughing and gawking at the picture.

Morning comes much earlier as your room is in the same villa as your parents (being single sucks sometimes) and they always wake up with the sun. By the time you make it out of your room for coffee, they have already had their morning stroll on the beach and ready to get the day started.

"So, I was verifying the day with the front desk and they don't have us down for a boat excursion today, I thought you said you were taking care of it Y/N?" your dad looking at you, trying to figure out what to do now.

"I did dad, but I booked a private boat for us outside of the resort" you grin as you finish your first cup and go for a refill.

Your mom immediately gasps, "sweetie, that's far too expensive, we can't do that."

"It's my treat, this is my only vacation this year and I don't plan on spending the day on a boat with a bunch of peasants" you smirk knowing how annoyed your mom probably was. "And we can't change it because I would lose all my money if we did that with such short notice, and that would be wasteful, wouldn't it?" Raising your eyebrow to your parents, you wave at them as you head to the shower to get ready for the day.

When you had all made it back to the resort after a long day on the water, everyone went in separate directions to get cleaned up for dinner. You emerge from your room ready to go to find your mom sitting in the living room waiting for you.

Plopping next to her she hands you a glass of water “you need to hydrate if y’all are planning on drinking all night again” she smirks at you.

“So, are you going to tell me what’s going on with you?” she questions. “And don’t tell me nothing, I know you, your brain has been running on high speed all day. And who knows, old mom might actually be able to help”

After a long chat with your mom, you weren’t sure what you needed to do, but you felt a bit better.

You were giving her a hug of thanks when your dad walked in “come on ladies, dinner awaits. You look beautiful, my bride” he tells your mom as he grabs her hand and kisses her knuckles.

Gosh they were so cute, but true to yourself you made gagging sounds as you headed out the door. Dinner was of course chaotic, but the restaurant was well prepared for your clan and you all had a blast

Hey, can I ask you something?

Chris: sure, I'm just hanging out with my dog and looking over a script, not very exciting, what’s up?

Chris was surprised but excited that you had texted him out of the blue tonight. He grabbed a beer while waiting for your response and decided he could use a break from working and chat with her tonight instead.

Ok, I’m making a pro/con list and hoping you could give me some input

Chris: I’ll do my best, what’s the topic?

Moving to Boston

Chris: well, that’s the pro column, what could possibly be in the con column?

Funny…..I haven’t lived there in ages and I might be taking a job there for the summer

Chris: that’s awesome

Chris: ok, pro, it’s just the summer so you won’t freeze through the winter

You remember that?

Chris: uh yea, it was pretty funny

Ok…..weather is a good pro, what else you got?

Chris: well there is a music festival in May, and I’m sure a seafood fest or 2 during the summer

Chris: so why the pro/con list, you lived here, you know it's the best city ever

You couldn’t help but laugh. Not sure how to respond, you didn’t need a pro/con list about Boston but really about the job you would be doing.

You are right, the city isn’t the issue. I got a call yesterday, offering me an adjunct professor position. I’m more worried about the job….

Chris: well, I think you would be an awesome teacher

Really? Why?

Chris: you are a talented writer, you could teach those kids a lot

You’ve read my work?

Chris: yea, I stole the book you signed for my mom, it’s incredible, I can see it being a play or film, you are very talented

Wow, thank you, that’s so kind of you

I was planning on leaving California anyway, and this kind of fell into my lap, so it almost feels like I should jump right in, even if I’m scared shitless

Chris: awesome! I can be your personal welcome wagon

You smiled to yourself, maybe you could have a little fun this summer

PART 5

[the-bau-quinjet]

You can’t be gone, no

Chapter 13 of In Breakable Heaven! I would like to apologize for how long this took! I was really buys with work this week, but I’ve got the next chapter almost done already so it shouldn’t take too long. 

Summary: A bit of aftermath of the show, plus the show from Spencer’s perspective.

Word Count: ~1900

 Spencer’s POV

“Hey Spence. I miss you, but you already know that. I’m doing a sort of mini show at 7 tonight. It would mean the world to me if you came… Look, I get it. You don’t want to be with me anymore, but I don’t want you to disappear from my life completely. Not when I need you now more than ever… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m not trying to guilt you into coming, I just really want you to be there. For the moral support. The rest of the team is coming, so you won’t be alone. That’s it I guess. Bye.”

 He listened to the voicemail on repeat as he made his way to the venue where you were playing your mini show. He had no idea what to expect, but the idea of not supporting you hurt too much to stay home.

 After parking and walking inside, he managed to find the rest of the team. Turning to Morgan, he began to ask “hey, do you-” He was cut off by the sound of his phone ringing. Turning to look at it, he recognized the number as his Mom’s doctors. “Oh, it’s my mom’s doctors. I have to take this.” He retreated back outside the venue, answering the call on the way.

 It was really a simple call, only took a few minutes, but you had already started when he walked back in. Not wanting to disrupt anything, he took a seat near the back of the venue, shooting Morgan a text that he probably wouldn’t need to go to Vegas.

 “…how I was feeling about a month ago. Before everything happened. It was the happiest I have ever been. I had a great group of friends, a job I loved, a hobby that helped me bring some of that joy to you guys, and… a perfect boyfriend. Most of that is still true and for that I am incredibly grateful. Without further ado, here we go!”

 His heart hurt to know that he was the part that wasn’t true anymore. He immediately recognized the song as it began to play. He memorized all of Taylor Swift’s songs in the months he’s spent with you in your apartment listening to the range of playlists. It’s honestly a good thing he got that call because he started tearing up almost instantly realizing how happy you were when the two of you were together.

 I want to drive away with you. I want your complications too. I want your dreary Mondays, wrap your arms around me Pr-aby boy.

 His breath caught in his throat when he heard the slip up. You used to change the lyrics to all of Taylor’s songs to be about him. “Wrap your arms around me pretty boy” is exactly what you used to sing to him. The range of emotion he was feeling surprised him. He expected this to be painful, but not this much.

  “Thank you! Thank you! This next song is kind of a complete about face. 180 degrees if you will. Actually” you pause to think, “it’s more like 540 degrees.” He watches as you take in the confused glances from the audience, searching the crowd for someone. “I feel like I went through every emotion possible, returned to where I started, and then was forcefully turned in the opposite direction.”

  “Clearly, you can tell why I was so happy a month ago. Paper Rings is kind of obvious in that sense. But, 3 weeks, 4 days, 6 hours, and 27 minutes ago every possible ounce of that happiness disappeared.” He froze knowing that exact amount of time meant your happiness disappeared not when you were abducted and tortured, but after he left your apartment that night.

 “ For those of you who don’t know, I recently went through a fairly traumatic event. My good friends at the FBI saved my life. But after I left the hospital with a new found relief, I went home and my boyfriend, well I guess ex-boyfriend, came over.” He could see the tears forming in your eyes even from his place in the back of the crowd, and it only hurt him more.

“He didn’t tell me why, but he broke up with me that night. He said he didn’t want to do it while I was in the hospital, so he waited. I’ve had a lot of time to think it over, and I might know now why things changed. But even if I’m wrong, he left. And now, he won’t talk to me. Now I know what you’re thinking. This guy sounds like a complete asshat.” He couldn’t help thinking that was a massive understatement.

 “And maybe you’re kind of right. But he’s been through more than I could even explain, and I know that it is slowly killing him to know that I went through barely a tenth of what has happened to him. Especially because I know he blames himself. So, I have this next song. To try and explain how him leaving is worse than anything that happened in that building. ”

 Again, he immediately recognized the next song that began playing. Haunted, especially the acoustic version, was one of the few songs you saved for when you were so sad nothing else helped. He knew how much pain you must be in to even listen to this song, let alone sing it in front of the crowd.

 By the time you reached the bridge, he could already feel the tears streaming down his face.

 I know. I know. I just know, you’re not gone. You can’t be gone, no

 The way your voice sounded like it completely broke when you sang “no” made his heart wrench. He had his head in his hands. He felt completely useless. This kind of pain was the exact thing he was trying to prevent. He didn’t think you would still feel so strongly about him 3 and a half weeks later.

 “I know what you’re thinking. What the hell happened to you? Well, a lot. But that song, the first song, and the last song are all to the same person. The one person in the world who understands me more than anyone else. You should all know, however, the ‘he’ I was referring to when I sung ‘he will try to take away my pain’ is none other than my therapist. Thanks for the all the help Doc, I’m trying to do what you said. The last song I have for you is what I wish I had the chance to say that night 3 weeks, 4 days 6 hours, and 33 minutes ago. It’s something I need you to know.”

 He doesn’t know how, but he knows you are talking to him when you finish the last sentence. He lifts his head to look at you again as he once again recognizes the song. His favorite line in this particular song was always:

 You keep, his shirt. He keeps, his word.

 He knows exactly which promise you are referring to this time. And he knows that he didn’t keep it.

 You can see it with the lights out.

 Before the two of you even started dating, he promised you he would always be there.  No matter the time of day.

 You are in love, true love.

 No matter where he was in the country. No matter what he was doing, he would drop it to help you if you needed him.

 You're in love.

 And he failed. He left when you needed him most. And he had no idea how to fix it.

  “Thank you all so much for coming! We can only hope for and work towards a better future than the present we find ourselves in. Goodnight.”

 You’re right. He is in love. And apparently, so are you. All he knows in this moment is that he has to fix things. He has no idea how, but he has to at least try.

--

Y/N POV

It felt like hours, but it had only been about 15 minutes when you heard a knock on your door. You somehow managed to stop crying and wipe your face before answering the door. You were met with the concerned expressions of almost all of your friends. They rushed in to take turns hugging you with varying degrees of sadness and anger in their voices.

Morgan probably noticed you looking around them all when he said “Reid wanted to come, but something came up with his Mom.” After hearing that, you immediately shifted from your spot on the floor. All you felt now was concern for him. “Is she okay? What happened?” The genuine sincerity in your voice was no surprise to anyone. You have always put everyone else’s feelings above your own.

“He didn’t say what happened, but he said he probably wasn’t flying out so it will be fine.” Morgan responded. The room shifted into silence, not quite awkward, but not comforting either. JJ chose to break it “Why didn’t you tell us what happened? Or even that you were seeing anyone?”

You shifted your gaze to her face from its previous resting place on the floor, you sighed. “I don’t know really. At first, it was because it was like a game between us. We actually had a bet going about which one of you guys would figure it out first. I was actually planning to tell you all at Rossi’s last family dinner, but then with everything that happened it just…” You stopped to force yourself not to cry again. It was killing you that they didn’t know who you were talking about, although they were probably figuring it out as you continued to talk.

“Y/N” you had never heard your name spoken so softly by Morgan before, “what can we do to help? Do you want me to kill him? The team can probably hide his body.” He tried to joke. You managed a weak smile in response.

“No. The truth is I’d rather feel like this in a world with him than be happy in a world without him. I… I was supposed to meet him for dinner that night, but he had to cancel. That’s part of why he blames himself. Or at least I think so. I genuinely haven’t talked to him about it.” Admitting that truth was a lot easier than you expected. You rose from the ground to change the song, knowing exactly which song might help you. Before you could get to your phone though, there was a knock on the door. You signaled for Rossi to answer it since he was standing the closest.

You turned to see Spencer Reid walk into your dressing room. “Hi Y/N” he said in a sad greeting.

“Morgan said you had to talk to your Mom’s doctors, is she okay?” you responded, your concern for your friend’s mom returning.

“Oh, uh yeah she’s fine. They just wanted to switch her medicine again. Thanks for asking.” You nodded in response, not knowing what else to say.

“I think, um, I think I’m just gonna go home now.” You said, staring at the floor to avoid everyone’s sympathetic looks. “I just want to go to bed and hope for the best, ya know?” You began pushing your way through people, your bag on your shoulder.

Spencer grabbed your wrist as you passed him, giving you a pleading look. The tears began to fall again as you looked at him, gently pulling your arm away. You couldn’t do this here. Not in front of everyone. Not when you hadn’t even told them it was Spencer who left you near catatonic staring at your apartment door. You turned and ran to your car before they could stop you.

--

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[buck-buck-boose]

I'll Love You 'Til I Die

Masterlist | Playlist

Summary: A Brooklyn schoolgirl fell in love with James Buchanan Barnes at the tender age of nine. With this love she made a vow, promising to love him until her very last breath.

Pairing: Bucky x OFC

Warnings: Language, violence

Word Count: 4.3k

Author's Note: I am... so sorry for taking so long. I was not expecting the start of the semester to be so hectic. I can't promise I'll go back to posting as regularly as during the summer, but I can promise that I'm not disappearing. I promise. I WILL SEE THIS FANFIC THROUGH EVEN IF IT KILLS ME. Thank you for the kind words and support while I've been MIA. Enjoy a chunky chapter.

Chapter Twenty-Four: Little Saint Lottie

October 27, 1943

“I’m worried about her, Betty.”

“I know, Gladys. I know.”

Lottie couldn’t remember the last time she’d gotten a full night’s rest. Days seemed to bleed into each other, with no slumber to distinguish today from tomorrow. It wasn’t long after arriving at Azzano that she realized that he wasn’t waiting for her. Bucky was gone. In his place, dozens of men awaited her arrival with sunken eyes and twitching lips that begged for relief, whether it be through a healing touch or a final blow to the head.

When the realization hit Lottie, there wasn’t much she could do besides throwing herself into her work; if she couldn’t help Bucky, the least she could do was help his brothers in arms. Although anxiety ate her up from the inside out, Lottie had confidence in Bucky’s abilities. He wouldn’t let himself die in some POW camp, he just wouldn’t. Because then who would take care of her and Steve? He’d fight tooth and nail to get back to them, she just knew it.

She threw herself into her work, rarely stopping long enough to have a proper conversation or a full meal; this bad habit of hers came to a halt, though, when she came upon a boisterous redhead in need of stitches. Lottie had been deep in thought while examining the gash above his forehead when the soldier cracked a grin and peered up at her without moving his head too much.

“Do I know you from somewhere?”

Lottie shook her head, “I’m afraid not, Private—” she glanced at his dog tags, “—O’Connor.”

“Ever done pinup? Maybe I know you from one of those cheesecakes we’ve got hanging up.” The man— more of a boy really, with his lanky frame and jovial smile —wiggled his eyebrows and ruined her diligent work of cleaning the blood from his wound.

The question left Lottie flustered; the idea of dozens of men gawking at her scantily clad figure left her feeling mortified, “Certainly not! I find that my talents are better suited for healing.”

O’Connor nodded and inspected her face carefully as she went to work on his gash once more. “I’ve got it!” Lottie nearly jumped away from him when he clapped his hands together, “You’re Little Saint Lottie, in the flesh!” The boy crowed his revelation, earning him glares from the other men recovering in the medic tent.

Lottie nearly dropped the needle that she’d been preparing to thread, “Excuse me?”

“Ah, it’s a funny story,” O’Connor chuckled, “Y’see, Sarge had this little photo he’d take everywhere. Always had it in his pocket, tucked in his helmet, you name it. Wouldn’t let the damn thing go. Anyway, we stole it out of his fatigues one day while he was cleaning up in some river ‘cause we wanted to see what the big deal was. Once we saw it was some dame—” Lottie shot him a look, “—lady, we started yanking his chain about it. He was just about as obsessed with that photo as my Ma is with her holy cards, so when he finally told us your name, we dubbed you ‘Little Saint Lottie,’ patron saint of the one hundred and seventh. That kinda pissed him off, but it’s not like you’re his girl, y’know? Though he sure acted like you were.”

Lottie was speechless. About halfway through his story, her mouth had dropped open and her hands had fallen to her lap. Here she was, looking dumb as an ox, while the soldier in front of her chuckled with childish glee.

“Me and the guys would even ask for your intercession whenever the chaplain came by to pray with us. Poor guy had no clue which saint we were talkin’ about. We tried to give it a place of honor in the tent but Sarge made us run laps when he found out we’d nicked it again.”

O’Connor nearly doubled over in laughter as he watched Lottie’s expression grow in horror. “Well as I’m sure Bucky— Sergeant Barnes has told you, I’m no saint. I’m just a nurse. Now hold still, unless you want these stitches to be more painful than they already are.” Before she could stop herself, the question came tumbling out of her mouth, “Speaking of Sergeant Barnes, do you know—” she fumbled with the needle as she made the first stitch, “—is he alright? Did you see him?” The soldier let out a hiss of pain, “Yeah, I got a glimpse of him while they were takin’ him away. He was battered but alright. There’s no man quite like Sarge, I know he’ll be back. He’d fight tooth and nail to get back. That’s what he said at least, ‘cause he always went on and on about how you needed him and all that. He sure talked about you an awful lot for a guy who hasn’t even asked you to go steady.”

Lottie’s breath hitched at the final comment, the mere idea of going steady with Bucky reducing her to a stuttering schoolgirl. She began to tie off his stitches, “We’ve been best friends for over a decade, it’s perfectly normal to care for each other deeply without bringing affection into it.”

O’Connor shrugged, which jostled her arm slightly, “I’ve never heard a guy talk about his best friend like that.”

Lottie didn’t respond. She gave his fully sutured wound one last glance, “Looks like you’re all set. Now don’t do anything stupid to get it infected.”

He gave her a crooked grin and wiggled his eyebrows, Lottie nearly scolded him but held her tongue, “As you wish, Saint Lottie.”

Lottie rolled her eyes and moved along to the next bed, where another soldier waited with a smile just as wide. It seemed that these men had become pleased as punch to know their patroness had come to grace them with her presence.

The USO’s visit to their camp took Lottie completely by surprise. She’d spent so much time floating from one medic tent to the next that she’d ended up completely out of the loop of the camp’s other goings-on. It wasn’t until she saw the fully-erected stage in the middle of camp that she realized. Her heart beat powerfully within her; with Steve here, she would be one step closer to finding Bucky. One step closer to bringing him home. “They say he’s gonna be here in a few hours,” Mary beamed, obviously giddy to see the Star-Spangled Man up close and in the flesh.

Lottie returned her smile, though it was weak. The weariness was starting to catch up to her, making her feel much older than a youthful twenty-three. Her stomach was in knots with anxiety; she needed to get to Steve as soon as possible.

Betty stood with them as they watched the hustle and bustle of preparations, “I’m pretty sure we’re the only ones looking forward to seeing Captain America. All these boys care about is seeing a bunch of girls dancing for them on stage, not some hunk of meat in a red, white, and blue suit.”

Nancy, who had just joined the conversation, scoffed, “It’s quite disappointing how little you think of these men and their patriotism.”

Gladys rolled her eyes, “They’re still men, Nancy. Scantily clad women or a guy singing about war bonds? They’re gonna prefer the women.”

Several hours later, Gladys was indeed proven right. Although he’d been driven off-stage with jeers and taunts, Lottie was waiting for him with a warm embrace.

“Hey, Lottie,” She could hear the smile in his voice, she felt its warm timbre as it surrounded her and reminded her of home.

“Good to see ya, Stevie.”

Steve pulled away from her and gazed around the camp, a grimace growing on his features, “Things don’t look to good around here.”

Lottie nodded, a twin grimace gracing her lips, “The hundred and seventh started out with two hundred men. Now they’ve only got fifty left. They’re barely holding on.”

Steve’s gaze shot to hers the moment she mentioned the one hundred and seventh, “Lottie that’s— this is Bucky’s—” The desperate look in his eyes made her own calm exterior begin to crack.

“Stevie, I know,” she whispered, a lump forming in her throat and tears pricking at her eyes, “I know, and I’m sorry. He’s not here. They— Those bastards took him, damn them!” For the first time since arriving at camp, Lottie cried. She sobbed and clung to Steve once more, feeling every bit like a scared little girl from days gone by.

Steve rested his hand against her back, “I’ll get him out, Lottie. He’s gotta be alive and I’ll get him out.”

She shook her head and wiped the hot tears from her cheeks, “No, Steve. You’re not going alone. I’m coming with you.”

“Lottie, you know I can’t put you in harm’s way like that—”

“Steve. I’m serious. What do you think I was doing that whole time I was with the SSR? Yes, we were making the serum, but they nearly trained us to death. I can shoot, I can use my knife. I can’t let you go without me.” Her voice was starting to crack, “We have to find Bucky together.”

There was silence between the two of them until Steve finally conceded, a wary gaze in his eyes, “Fine. But you need to be by my side the whole time.” Lottie nodded her chest warming with hope. “C’mon, we need to have a conversation with Colonel Philipps.”

The two of them jogged to his tent with their coats held above their heads to shield them from a sudden shower of rain. They entered the colonel’s tent, looking comical with their wet hair and heaving chests. Around them, soldiers and officials paced to and fro, examining maps or signing off various forms. If Lottie squinted, she could just barely make out the words. Letters of condolences; heartbreakingly clinical letters of regret for the losses of these sons, these brothers, these boys.

“Colonel Phillips,” Steve began, “Are you planning a rescue mission? For the surviving prisoners from the Battle of Azzano?”

The colonel looked back at him with a straight face, “Yeah, it’s called winning the war.”

Steve’s blond eyebrows furrowed, “But if you know where they are why not at least—”

“They’re thirty miles behind the lines. Through some of the most heavily fortified territory in Europe. We’d lose more men than we’d save, but I don’t expect you to understand that because you’re a chorus girl,” before Lottie could protest, he shot her a glance as well, “and you’re just a nurse.”

Steve’s gaze on Colonel Phillips was cool, “I think I understand just fine.”

The colonel pushed past them, “Well then understand it somewhere else. Now if I read the posters correctly, you’ve got someplace to be in thirty minutes.”

“Yes sir, I do.”

Steve grabbed Lottie’s hand and pulled her behind him, “C’mon, we’ve gotta get going. You go get changed.”

Lottie nodded; her medical uniform would impede this mission so she’d need to wear the fatigues that the government had finally issued to them. Her heart raced a mile a minute as she scrambled back to the nurse’s tent to change. She knew that Colonel Philipps would be terribly angry once he found out she’d shirked her night duties, but her loyalties to Bucky took precedence. The recovering soldiers were left in the capable hands of her peers. She swore as she nearly toppled over while yanking her boots on; it was rather hard to get dressed in such a hurry. By the time she was ready and had exited the tent, she was met with the somber faces of Agent Carter and Steve.

“Agent Carter, what are you doing?” For a moment, she feared that they’d already been caught, that the SSR was already putting an end to their mission.

The other woman pursed her lips, “I’m here to help.”

A mere half-hour later and they found themselves in the SSR’s plane, headed to Krausberg, where the POW camp was located. Howard Stark called out to them from the cockpit, “We should be able to drop you right at their doorstep.”

Fear was starting to creep into Lottie’s mind and burrowed itself deep within her gut. She heard the conversation continue all around her, but she was still processing the daunting mission before her. She and Steve up against Hydra. All alone. Even Bucky had struggled against them; he’d lost to them in the Battle of Azzano. Bucky. That’s what worried her most. It’s what filled her with the most fear. If she and Steve got through the Hydra camp safe and sound only to find that he was dead, Lottie wasn’t sure how she’d deal with it. She’d probably go mad, in all honesty. She’d end up in some institution, crying over lucky pennies and charcoal drawings while being molly-coddled by some woman in white. How tragic that would be.

Before her thoughts could become any darker, Lottie was jolted back to reality by the sound of bullets against metal. Steve grabbed his shield and her arm, urging her to join him by the plane’s exit.

Agent Carter shot up from her seat, “Get back here! We’re taking you all the way in!”

He turned to respond, “As soon as I’m clear, you turn this thing around and get the hell out of here!” “You can’t give me orders!”

A smile grew on his face, “The hell I can’t! I’m a captain!”

Steve shifted his goggles and nudged Lottie, “It’s go time. When you see me pull the chute out, you do the same.”

Lottie nodded with a quiet determination, and together, they jumped.

Entering the base was painstakingly quiet; once they’d snuck into a truck and eliminated the guards inside, Steve and Lottie were left to mouth words and offer silent support through unwavering gazes. Once they’d safely passed the gate of the base, they exited the truck and swiftly dealt with any opposition.

Steve led her across the base with caution, giving hand signals when it was safe to turn a corner and sprint across a patch of unobstructed space. The two of them traveled with the shadows, avoiding any spotlights that could catch them in the act. Lottie scarcely felt that she could breathe, it was as if one exhale would reveal their presence to the multitude of guards.

Once they entered the main building, the two of them found themselves in what seemed to be a factory. There were giant sheets of metal everywhere and huge bombs seemed to surround them. Amongst them all, Hydra soldiers transported other metal parts and containers of glowing blue material. That did not bode well with Lottie at all.

Lottie spotted some guards walking to a lower level, jangling keys in hand. “Steve, they might be guarding the prisoners.” Her whisper was barely audible, fear keeping her from speaking any louder.

“The blueprints said they were below the manufacturing level. C’mon.”

They followed the guards onto a walkway that had large circular grates that cut into the metal, each forming the ceiling of small cells that the poor prisoners had been separated into. Lottie and Steve knocked the guards out and stole their keys. The two dropped to the same level as the cells and began unlocking their doors.

One of the soldiers gazed at them through the bars of his cell, “Who are you supposed to be?”

Steve panted from stress, “I’m Captain America.” He gave Lottie an expectant look.

“I guess I’m Little Saint Lottie,” she responded somewhat sarcastically, referencing the retrospectively comical nickname that was developed by the one hundred and seventh.

Some of the men cracked grins, “So you’ve heard our prayers, huh?”

“Loud and clear. Now let’s get you out of here, yeah?”

She tried to ignore the growing horror inside of her upon the realization that none of these men had brilliant blue eyes. Not a dimpled chin in sight.

“Is there anybody else? I’m looking for a Sergeant James Barnes.” It seemed that the same horror was growing within Steve.

A man in a scarlet beret responded, his British accent prim and proper, “There’s an isolation ward in the factory, but no one’s ever come back from it.”

“Alright,” Steve nodded, “The tree line is northwest, 80 yards past the gate. Get out fast and give ‘em hell. We’ll meet you guys out in the clearing with anyone else we find.”

“Wait, you know what you’re doing?” “Yeah. I’ve knocked out Adolf Hitler over two hundred times.”

Lottie couldn’t help but stare at Steve in amazement. Gone was that awkward boy from Brooklyn. He was a man now, a leader who could do anything he put his mind to. He’d grown so much, not just physically, but in his character.

While the prisoners worked their way out of the base, Steve and Lottie began their search for the isolation wards. Lottie tried to ignore the sounds of explosions and men crying out from below them while they traveled across metal catwalks. She could only hope that the cries of pain were coming from Hydra soldiers.

After turning several corners, they found themselves in an old hallway, surrounded by brick on both sides. They hurried down the corridor out of desperation; they knew they were running out of time. Lottie stopped suddenly when she heard a groan. It was close. She drew her weapon and dragged Steve into the room, her heart stuttering and her palms slick with sweat.

“Sergeant. Three-two-five-five-seven…” That voice. Oh, how she knew that voice; she loved it so. Lottie heard it whenever she found the time to fall asleep. It crept into her sweetest dreams but tore her apart whenever it wiggled its way into her nightmares.

Bucky lay in front of them, strapped down to a table; his lips moved ever so slightly as he repeated the same phrase over and over again.

She rushed to his side alongside Steve and nearly let out a cry of happiness. Had the situation not been so dire, she would’ve descended upon him with a bone-crushing embrace and great big sobs of joy by that point.

Lottie whispered a quiet, “Bucky?” His eyes were glazed over and his mouth agape, “Is that— is that—”

“It’s us, Buck,” Steve nodded reassuringly as he tore at the straps across Bucky’s chest. Bucky looked up at him, taking his face in,

“Us?”

“Me and Lottie,” he nodded, tugging her closer so that the two of them could be in Bucky’s field of vision.

Tears welled up in her eyes as she looked at him, finally feeling whole again. She’d gotten her Brooklyn boys back. Bucky only looked back in confusion, “Little Lottie, she— she’s always been here. Always. Stayed with me the whole time.”

It was Lottie and Steve’s turn for confusion. Lottie brushed the hair back from his forehead to calm him down and ground him, “Bucky, I’ve been with the SSR this whole time. We’re here to rescue you.”

Steve nodded and dragged him off the table, “I thought you were dead.”

Bucky was obviously having a hard time processing everything that was happening, “I thought you were smaller.”

Lottie listened as the gunfire intensified, “Come on, we need to move.” Steve threw one of Bucky’s arms over his shoulder and the two fell into step behind her.

“What happened to you?” Bucky grunted out, pain etched into his voice.

“I joined the army.”

“Did it hurt?”

Steve was growing agitated, “A little.”

“Is it permanent?”

“So far.” Lottie huffed, “I’d sure hope so after all that effort I put into it.”

Bucky mustered out a befuddled, “Huh?”

“I helped to create the serum that made him like that.”

“So that’s why you left without saying a word.” Bucky’s tone was only slightly accusatory.

Lottie muttered a weak “Yeah.” They’d need to have a lengthier conversation once he wasn’t struggling to walk five yards.

As they crossed the catwalks to get towards the exit, the factory below them began to combust. Huge flames erupted from the metal contraptions and triggered explosions all around them. They hastily climbed the metal stairs to get to higher ground.

“Captain America, how exciting!” A thick German accent cut through the noise of explosions and gunfire. “I am a great fan of your films!” Before them stood two men; one was a short little fellow clad in a jacket and fedora. The other was tall and wore a distinguished Hydra uniform with its menacing crest emblazoned on his shoulder.

The taller of the two gave Captain America a once over as he strode across the catwalk that separated them, “So, Dr. Erskine managed it after all. Not exactly an improvement, but still, impressive.”

“You’ve got no idea,” Steve snarled and punched the man in the face. The swift blow caused a blotch of redness to appear near his eye and a sinking feeling of realization settled into Lottie’s stomach. This was Schmidt, the monster who used the serum prototype.

Before she could say anything, Schmidt struck back and left a dent in Steve’s shield, “Haven’t I?”

There was a brief scuffle before Schmidt backed off while the other man pulled a lever, pulling the catwalk apart. With a grin, Schmidt began pulling at the skin of his face and revealed fiery red muscle and tissue beneath, just as Lottie had seen when she first began experimenting with the formula. “You are deluded, Captain. You pretend to be a simple soldier, but in reality, you are just afraid to admit that we have left humanity behind. Unlike you, I embrace it proudly. Without fear!”

“Then how come you’re running?”

Steve never got an answer. Schmidt and the other man had already boarded an elevator and left them standing on the catwalk, nearly helpless.

Another explosion went off, cueing the trio to leave, “C’mon, let’s go. Up.” Lottie instructed the men to follow her, though she wasn’t too sure how to escape the factory. All she knew was that they needed to keep ascending the stairs.

When they reached the top of the stairs, they were faced with a metal beam that led to a catwalk with an exit. It was terrifyingly slim, with only enough room to place one foot in front of the other.

“Ladies first,” Bucky murmured, “but I’ll be right behind you.” Lottie felt sure of herself knowing that at least she wouldn’t have to cross on her own.

She took a tentative first step, testing how well it would hold her weight. Lottie tried not to look down at the fiery pit below while she carefully moved along the beam. It was a comfort to have Bucky behind her with his chest nearly pressed against her back as he followed her every step. Lottie had just scrambled over the railing of the catwalk when a jarring explosion shifted the beam’s position and sent it careening downwards. She gasped in horror as Bucky leaped to grab onto the catwalk.

“There’s gotta be a rope or something!”

Steve stared at the two of them from across the pit, “Just go! Get out of here!”

Bucky slammed his fist on the railing, desperation tearing at his voice, “No, not without you!”

“Steve, please! We can’t just leave you here!” Lottie pleaded. Steve couldn’t die, not like this.

With a look of determination, Steve backed up and made a running jump to clear the gap between the two catwalks. An explosion threatened to swallow him up, but he made it over safely, although a little worse for wear.

Lottie and Bucky could only stare in amazement. Steve nodded to them both, “Let’s get outta here.”

Several ladders and a whole lot of dodging later, the trio found themselves trudging towards the tree line.

It was silent amongst the three of them; painfully, dreadfully silent. She decided it was time to break the silence, “Bucky, I—”

“Look, Little Lottie, I know you’re sorry, alright? And I forgive you. Even though you lied to my face and left without saying goodbye, I had a whole lotta time to spend forgiving you.”

Now that the fear of being caught by Hydra soldiers had fully subsided, Lottie allowed herself to let out a sob of joy and nearly threw herself at Bucky. She almost apologized for the force of her embrace since it was likely to hurt a man who’d been captured by Hydra, but he didn’t show any sign of pain. She’d need to remember that for later.

“I missed you so much, Bucky. I really did,” Lottie nearly whimpered. Gosh, she sure sounded lovesick. “I missed you too, Little Lottie.” His embrace was sure and strong, and with it, a flood of memories came back to her. Nights on her fire escape. A birthday evening spent swing dancing. A lucky penny slipped into her hand. For the first time in months, Lottie finally felt whole. Her heart that had been splintered into shards of pain and hopelessness had finally begun to mend itself back together. While she found comfort in his arms and forgiveness, she knew there were still so many words left unsaid; words that he needed and deserved to hear.

“Yeah, I missed you guys too,” Steve muttered, obviously peeved that he was being left out of their moment.

“Aw, come on, Stevie,” Lottie grinned and pulled away from Bucky a little to allow Steve to join their hug.

“And if I remember correctly, Bucky, I think it’s actually Little Saint Lottie now,” she grinned. While she couldn’t see his face at the moment, she just knew it was turning a gorgeous shade of scarlet, based on the sputtering coming out of his mouth.

[damienthepious]

this bitch a long one. this week’s other LKT offering! horny yearning via lyrically specific music.

heart beats best (the playlist)

[spotify] [the actual fic]

01. Showyourself - Montaigne // 02. Do I Wanna Know? - CHVRCHES // 03. Stay With Me - Better Love // 04. Crane Your Neck - Lady Lamb // 05. Bad Ideas - Tessa Violet // 06. No Face - Haley Heynderickx // 07. Monster - dodie // 08. Drive Slow - ADDIE // 09. The Thunder Answered Back - Gabby’s World // 10. Mezzanine - Lady Lamb // 11. The Moon Will Sing - The Crane Wives // 12. Company - Daisy the Great // 13. Distractions - Wild Painting // 14. R U Mine? - Ratwyfe // 15. Choices - To Kill A King // 16. 1996 - Wild Child // 17. Honeydew - Small Talks // 18. Lost - Liza Anne // 19. Waiting on a Ghost - Left at London // 20. Moon Song - Phoebe Bridgers // 21. Rearview - Beach Bunny // 22. Vacation Home - Whitehall // 23. You Are the Apple - Lady Lamb // 24. Baby No More (acoustic) - Anjimile // 25. Things We Never Say - Bad Bad Hat // 26. midnight love - girl in red // 27. Please You - Montaigne // 28. His Hands - Blegh // 29. Bottles - Little Image

[lyrics breakdown under the cut because i’m! a disaster. and this is a long ass playlist and i have thoughts about every single song. i think i was kidding myself to think this would be less effort than just Writing. Subject to future change when i find yet more songs that suit this frickin story. there’s lots!!!]

01. Showyourself - Montaigne - Show yourself, shadow, I'm lonely / Show yourself / I don't know how to take care of me alone

02. Do I Wanna Know? - CHVRCHES - So have you got the guts? / Been wondering if your heart's still open / And if so, I wanna know what time it shuts / Simmer down and pucker up / I'm sorry to interrupt, it's just I'm constantly on the cusp / Of trying to kiss you / And I don't know if you feel the same as I do / We could be together if you wanted to

03. Stay With Me - Better Love - Come stay with me another night / Don't overthink / Oh, I know I just met you / But you're clouding all my dreams / Go on and set me free / I wanna see you tomorrow / Are you thinking of me?

04. Crane Your Neck - Lady Lamb - We ripped off all our clothes and this included all our jewelry / And we ran hand in hand back when you brought out the beast in me / The parts that are dormant, I wish to set them free / And in the clarity of this night I make myself believe I can sleep easily alone

05. Bad Ideas - Tessa Violet - I don't know what compels me / To do the very thing that fells me / I wake up, still high on you / But by the night, I'm crashing through, so

06. No Face - Haley Heynderickx - Tell me what's wrong here / Is it the bridge of my nose / Or the backs of my skin / Is it the pull of my hips / That you couldn't let in

07. Monster - dodie - So maybe I will talk to you / The only way I know how to / Mhm, you've said your speech / Mhm, through sharpened teeth / You break the rules and spikes grow from your skin

08. Drive Slow - ADDIE - The rush that I feel when / Our hands are intertwined / We're always together / It kills me that you aren't mine

09. The Thunder Answered Back - Gabby’s World - So here I sit, I've come to rest some weight upon your little chest / You free-for-all, you wrecking ball / Hovering next to your bed, to lay waste to your healthy head / You spider web, you dance of death

10. Mezzanine - Lady Lamb - How I ache, I ache in the pit of me / I awake, awake with this fear in me / How it makes, makes a fool out of me / With its knife how it carves the seeds out of my heart / For to plant in the soil for to feast 

11. The Moon Will Sing - The Crane Wives - We could have been anywhere, anywhere else / Instead I made a bed with apathy / My heart knew the weight / Ten years worth of dust and neglect / We made our peace with weariness / And let it be

12. Company - Daisy the Great - Tell me the truth if the truth means I'm better / Than I am in my head (I am in my head) / I hate what I want because I can't have it / I want your company

13. Distractions - Wild Painting - I'm here lyin next to you / In my mind, you're all that I really want / Claws and the marks on my favorite shirt / Got me feeling the motions, I didn't know / I had for you, you thought you knew / But you didn't / And I didn't at all

14. R U Mine? - Ratwyfe - Looking into your moonlit eyes / You look so enchanting tonight / I get scared when I see your face / ‘Cause I don’t know why you would ever stay

15. Choices - To Kill A King - He's on your doorstep / He's laden with flowers / This garden is freezing, teasing / You're leaving me for hours

16. 1996 - Wild Child - Sometimes it's more than I can take / I try to hold on 'cause I always run away / Just want to see you at the end of every day / Guess if I lose, I'll love you anyways

17. Honeydew - Small Talks - Honeydew / Don’t take it personal cause I love you too / But not the way you want me / I adore you, but not the way you want me to

18. Lost - Liza Anne - I'll be lost if I love him, lost if I won't / And I can't muster up the courage to say it's best that I leave / I can't muster up much of anything when I'm feeling you breathe

19. Waiting on a Ghost - Left at London - I was in love, I couldn't stand you / I could move on, I never planned to / Now I'm in the kitchen just making a meal you won't eat / And cooking exhausts me but I thought I'd try to be sweet

20. Moon Song - Phoebe Bridgers - You couldn't have / Stuck your tongue down the throat of somebody / Who loves you more / So I will wait for the next time you want me / Like a dog with a bird at your door  

21. Rearview - Beach Bunny - Underneath all apathy / You're woven into my tapestry / Did you ever love me at all? / Sometimes I start to lose control

22. Vacation Home - Whitehall - Sometimes, I feel like I'm a house / By the shore, oh I don't wanna be / Some kind of resort for you when you get bored / You know me, I'd rather be / Some place where you can feel happy

23. You Are the Apple - Lady Lamb - You devoured my heart / You devoured my heart like it was strawberry cake at a birthday celebration / But I still need your love / I still need your love / I need your love / I need your love / Yeah, yeah, yeah / I still need your teeth around my organs

24. Baby No More (acoustic) - Anjimile - Am I / Not supposed to hurt you? / Am I / Not supposed to make you cry? / Damn, I / I just don't know good loving / The right way

25. Things We Never Say - Bad Bad Hat - Wish I knew what you were thinking when you kissed me on the floor / But I’m not sorry that I let you, or that we did this whole thing wrong / And I never say I love you, but I meant it all along

26. midnight love - girl in red - I hope that the right time one day arrives / So I'll be willing to let this die / Able to look you right in the eyes / Say I'm not your consolation prize

27. Please You - Montaigne - I'm going to sit here in the dark / And hope one day I make my mark on you, it's all I long to do / I belong to me and to my heart / I hope one day that I can stop, can stop, can stop / Trying to please you

28. His Hands - Blegh - You're too real for me / You should go to something better / I'll give you to someone better / I have friends that'll be on earth for longer / I have friends that won't feel like monsters

29. Bottles - Little Image - I loved you, I loved you / Woah-oh / Did you love me? Did you ever love me? // Or anything anymore? / You bottle your love so tightly

[mowu-moment]

i feel controversial & i care too much, so here's my des rocs complete tierlist

ranked list & reasoning (ish) under the cut

1. WAYNE: hoholy shit wayne. can hardly put into words how explosive this one is to me. the intro sets a Whole Mood before swiftly (& cleanly) smacking it down into an Absolute Banger and i don't use the term lightly. very hard not to scream along with it. only detriment is that wayne the person is kinda an ass in the mmc video but that's no qualm

2. POS: basically the same thing as wayne (oh both have great lyrics btw, this one more so), only gets points knocked for being 2 minutes long and having 30 seconds of that being intro & outro. go danny give us nothing

3. WHY WHY WHY: there's a theme among my top picks--they're all hard-hitting w/ killer guitar. the lyrics are absolute batshit in a good way, but the chorus is a lil flat & i feel like in general it just needed a touch more spice to score the top spot. or maybe it's just seniority & it'll have a coup a few months out idk

4. DEAD RINGER: similar killer guitar & lyrics but this one is Groovy as Hell. don't particularly like his singing in this one & it's too repetitive if i'm feeling grumpy but there's something so magic about after the bridge. top 10 songs to twirl a flag to

5. NOTHING PERSONAL: the minute long outro irks me & it's a little bit empty but plays into that well. groovy, great lyrics, the Sexiest Guitar Solo of the lot, the screaming's a minus but it does have an emotion there. not entirely sure what one but it's there.

6. LET ME LIVE / LET ME DIE: his first time being all over the goddamn place, history was made. amazing guitar, a little worse lyrics than 1-4 i'll admit, the intro Slays me both in a good and bad way. must be a joy to play live where he can just drag out that intro & bridge as long as feels right. at least i liked it in the digital concert like that. would actually kill me in a physical concert, imagine how much stomping gets going to that beat. bonus points for presumable cowbell

7. PIECES: for once not this high for the guitar & lyrics, they're both kinda basic. idk what's about this one but it just takes me to a separate dimension & i love it so much for that. really fills those earholes. also a bit of personal meaning, heard it for the first time on the day we moved into the house i'm currently split-custody-living in (is that tmi?) & the first music video of his i saw. man i love some spaghetti on the wall

8. SLO: basically the same as dead ringer, but knocked points for a kinda lame outro & the subject matter being a little less interesting to me. still lovely.

9. HANGING BY A THREAD: not my normal fare really & the way that the ends of the verses don't really fit in the pacing of them is bleh, but it's just so reminiscent of the songs my brother puts on whenever we hang out together that it just makes me all warm & fuzzy. it's also nicely put together which is something i'll have to start saying for. the later list.

10. SUICIDE ROMANTICS: this is where i start griping about head voice & higher pitches in general. don't like em so the pre-chorus is a lil annoying. also not my normal fare but it's tender & the ending is awe-striking. imo better live where he's loud on that last line before the final chorus. not enough to bump it up though. shoutouts to love and a smoking gun, i still am dying to hear that one

11. THE PAST HAS PASSED AWAY: my favorite lyrics out of the first 2 ep's. only thing wrong with it really is the bridge getting kinda repetitive. love that last chorus heehoo. same schpeel as the Banger Category

12. MMC: this one's lower than the rest of the Bangers for being pop punk which is something the radio has made me dislike, i guess. that trope with the guitar in the second half of the chorus just kills me so much. improves greatly during & after the bridge, love that lil ragtime piano. generally the same bit as before but i do love him doing something un-romance-related. yeah fuck the establishment!

13. THE DEVIL INSIDE: reminds me A Lot of the electronic-ish cassettes i've got from the early 90's but that's just me. this one will probably move up as i get more used to it, but only a little bit. the first part of the second verse makes me like. genuinely uncomfy? but the second part of it's fantastic. ending's ass though what happened to the instrumence. bonus points for using 'reverie' that's an SAT word (maybe). good singing but returning to the gripe at higher pitches, just a little bit though

14. THIS IS OUR LIFE: feels shockingly generic for a des rocs song tbh but there's nothing really wrong with that. adore the bridge. singing's alright. kinda miffed that he doesn't pronounce the 'f' in the second 'life' in the chorus, but it makes sense here. that sort of thing won't later so i'm bringing it up now. guitar's nothing spectacular but fits nicely into the song, probably one of the most cohesive of his (especially in recent history).

15. OUTTA MY MIND: really lives in the same space as slo and dead ringer do in my head (most likely the 'songs to twirl a flag to' zone), but this is by far the worst of the three for when i'm grumpy. just. Very repetitive. back to great lyrics here but it's kinda hard to pick them out (i've heard the song at least 100 times by now & i'm still missing a few lines). still groovin'

16. RUBY WITH THE SHARPEST LIES: what the fuck actually goes on in this song by the way? not the premise or whatever it's just. so all over the place. the verses are incredible but bringing in another vocalist just for one line kills me. bridge is really cool but that one part i don't remember where it is, the one that alternates basically nothing & an Electronic Piano Chord blaring at ya? ruins it. partially anyhow. also can someone tell the people on genius that it's 'carved it in my skin' not 'crawled down in my skin'

17. GIVE ME THE NIGHT: same repetitive issue as outta my mind but it's not groovy enough to save it, shame. feels like a trial run of all the wackshit stuff he's been doing recently, with the additional vocal bits at the end & the kinda weird lyrics. it still has a place in my heart don't get me wrong but it's just fallen in favor of stuff that Commits to banger or batshit (or actually pulls off both strongly, yyy). oh yeah nice guitar alright singing etc etc

18. USED TO THE DARKNESS: similar story to give me the night. i love it i do, but it's just lackluster nowadays. also remember that under-pronunciation thing i brought up in this is our life? this is where that comes back. rampant i tell you! that second verse he just doesn't finish the words & i hate it!

19. DON'T HURT ME: i honestly don't know why this one isn't in D. the chorus bit where he just cuts it short is irksome. the lyrics aren't anything special. i don't know what i like about it. but i can tell it does exactly what it set out to do if that makes sense. respect, respect. and using missile in an analogy, he's getting creative with the vocab

20. LIVING PROOF: kinda got a vendetta against this one i think? i don't know why i hate this one but i do. it's just kinda, blah. like the perfect sort of thing to nightcore up. sentiment's lovely & i do love the lyrics even if they aren't impressive but like. it bores me to an extent

21. TICK (LIVE): separating the version i heard in the digital concert just to give it some credit, this one was actually kinda nice. another one with a nice sentiment & what he was going for is great. no clue what the second part of the second verse has to do with any of this though. and it also begins our final group, the songs that just feel empty. like there's not nearly enough going on. this one's alright though i was just hoping the studio version would add some flair. you can see where that one is though.

22. IMAGINARY FRIENDS: also got a vendetta against pop. kinda hate the sentiment here (contrast!), the chorus just falls short of what the verses prime me for, head voice is rampant, and yet i still swing along to it. it's infectious props to him. love the outro though, monkey laugh and all.

23. MAYBE, I: another empty one, like it's a four-note progression what is that. love his singing in it, and the chorus parts do round it out, but like. eh? it doesn't even give me much to say.

24. BORN TO LOSE: another flop on the chorus! too smooth i say! and i absolutely Despise the pitch-shifting thing going on. not something i was expecting him to express so points there, lyrics are nothing fancy to my Literary Mind though. initially good singing but the chorus he's just sloppy over it. the instrumental is lovely but the vocals just throw it so hard into the bin which is a right shame. fuck that outro too i hate that gimmick

25. I KNOW: here's where the bad batshit comes in. singing is some of his worst imo, does the other-vocalist thing for that bridge, genre i'm not fond of, just a soup of Stuff I Don't Like. not one i'd kill someone over putting as #1 like i can see where it comes from but. mmmmmhhhh bad. cover does NOT help his case.

26. HVY MTL DRMR: empirically i should put this one higher. but the chorus flops so goddamn hard it deserves to be in the bottom of the barrel. the verses are lovely for what he was doing back then! but then just... nothing!

27. RABBIT HOLE: i was so excited for this name but it's just sad boi hours playlist curated by some corporation you hate. probably the most nothing of them all, genuinely where are the instruments. what happened. was this one just shoehorned in as the final track just to pump numbers up. and i swear he had some autotune or something which only makes his voice worse it's fantastic naturally. also that's not what a rabbit hole is! that's not the idiom! a rabbit hole is when you go on a wikipedia spiral from jennifer lopez to group theory! not when you just have a shitty night's sleep or whatever this is! i'm not just miffed i'm downright annoyed

28. TICK (STUDIO): what the fuck happened des. how did you release this. it sounds like a 3rd grader singing for the school talent show it's so out of rhythm. singing's honestly kinda bad & the instrumental has the same problems i talked about in the live version. the last chorus is fine, i guess, but no i don't forgive him for what he did to tick.

[dianapocalypse]

Alright y’all, with the release of Mass Effect: Legendary Edition, it’s time for me to share my playlist for the entire trilogy.

I’ve refined this over like six years so scientifically speaking it’s probably good right. oh also it’s four hours long. so if you have a road trip or a boring job, this one’s for you. disclaimer, it’s entirely possible I have garbage taste in music. I also missed some characters and moments because there’s 65 songs here and I am merely human.

If you don’t have the patience for four hours, I recommend starting at track 45 and listening to the end, as the Mass Effect 3 portion is the strongest in my opinion.

UNDER THE CUT FOR DESCRIPTIONS WE GO!

FIRST MOVEMENT - MASS EFFECT 1

1. Atlas - Coldplay Eden Prime

“Sometimes the wire Must tense for the note Caught in the fire, say oh We're about to explode“

I really like the atmosphere of this song. It’s ominous, but also somehow hopeful, and makes me feel like Something Huge Is Coming.

2. I Will Not Sing A Hateful Song - Constantines Paragon Shepard

“But I was also born and raised To always speak and listen clear To know the last sound that I make Could be the last sound that I hear“

OK, listen, I think this song is about vampires, and I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be a metaphor or not. But I think this is a great song about controlling one’s temper, about knowing that you have to Rise Above the parts of you that want to lash out sometimes to get things done and have peace. Seeing as how paragon Shepard, to me, always seems like they’re three deep breaths away from snapping, but manage to keep it in check, it fits them to a T.

And also maybe they’re a vampire.

3. Hard to Kill - Beth Crowley Renegade Shepard

“So I let the rumors Turn me into a legend 'Cause I'm only human But a good myth is hard to kill”

This one’s a recent addition, but holy cow, I love it for Renegade Shep, particularly an Earthborn or Ruthless, but it works for any of them.

4. We Own the Skies - Five Iron Frenzy Joker

“My hands are bleeding where they often crack The stars will sometimes burn with longing Through the choking black Of night shifts piling each against the next”

This really vibes with Joker’s backstory for me, his super driven serious self in flight school, contrasted with who he is when he can fly a ship. He’s the best pilot in the goddamn fleet and I love him.

5. I Just Wanna See - Smash Mouth Kaidan Alenko

“Mister moon checkin' on how y'all livin' The stars all winkin' at the day that's dimmin' I just wanna see”

This song fits into his reactions to first showing up at the Citadel and his former romanticism about living in space. Ironically, it’s a song about Earth, but I feel like it works well for him. Also, Smash Mouth absolutely sounds like the kind of music Kaidan would listen to, no I will not be taking questions or constructive criticism.

6. Don’t Give Up - Noisettes Ashley Williams

“She's got a talented face and a suitcase Ain't got no desire to go no place In her case she's got no desire with her hand in the flame say's she don't feel the fire “

The energy of this song is just perfect for Ashley’s no-nonsense chip on her shoulder attitude.

7. About As Helpful As You Can Be Without Being Any Help At All - Dan Mangan The Council

“I was thrown in the boat/Cast out to sea Friendly with waves/There were sharks below Hungry for me/So I dangled my leg”

I mean, the title says it all.

8. The Captain - Guster Anderson

“Courageous, just like the captain Marching forward with no doubt in his head”

I have adored this song ever since my friend played it for me, and it’s the ultimate mentor-protégé jam for me.

9. Secret Agent Man - Johnny Rivers Garrus Vakarian

“Here's a man who leads a life of danger To everyone he meets he stays a stranger Oh, with every move he makes another chance he takes The odds are he won't live to see tomorrow”

I have to poke a little fun at Garrus and how seriously he takes himself in Mass Effect 1. I romanced him across four playthrus, I’m allowed!

10. I’m Getting Too Old For This Shit - Kill Lincoln Urdnot Wrex

“This random apathy/I swear it's killing me But I guess it's all the same, till the devil knows my name”

I don’t know ANYTHING about this band, but this song fits Wrex’s disillusionment with the Krogan well, plus, like. The title. (And also, that he secretly DOES care what happens to the Krogan.)

11. Bird Song - Juniper Vale Tali’zorah nar Rayya

“I want to dance on the horizon line But there is something I am caged behind I have a heart made for take flight But I'm low, so low”

I adore this song and the sound of Juniper Vale in general. The etherealness of this one, combined with the youthful optimism, feels very Tali. The line about ‘something I am caged behind’ works well for the suits, too. This one’s especially good if you’re a Talimancer!

12. 11. Green Garden - Laura Mvula Liara T’Soni

“And I’ll fly on the wings of a butterfly High as a tree top and down again Putting my bag down, taking my shoes off Walk on the carpet of green velvet”

I really like this song’s vibes and I feel like Liara fits it well, particularly in ME1, before all her youthful optimism is stripped from her. The scenery descriptions feel very Thessia, too.

13. Feed Me (Git It) - Little Shop of Horrors The Thorian 

“The guy sure looks like plant food to me!”

Do you get it. Do you get my joke. It’s because the Thorian is a plant that eats people. (I’m not funny)

14. Blindness - Metric Matriarch Benezia

“I was a blind fool, never complained All the survivors singing in the rain “

I don’t love the use of blind here as a negative, albeit metaphorical, descriptor, but I think this song fits Benezia’s indoctrination and death well. If you have suggestions for another, though, let me know!

15. Technologic - Daft Punk Saren

“Buy it, use it, break it, fix it, trash it, change it, mail, upgrade it”

I just think it’s Neat

16. Watershed - Vienna Teng The Reapers

“ While you were building your empires I was still sleeping”

I think this is the song that inspired the entire playlist. Vienna Teng sat down and decided to write a song from the perspective of a natural disaster, and it’s so ominous and gut-wrenching.

17. Hourglass - The Hush Sound Virmire

“This is how it ends We believe every lie and say we'll be friends How long will it last? Before we scratch all the scripts and we rework the cast “

hahahahah rework the cast get it because you have to pick who DIES

Seriously tho I really like this song for Virmire and that moment of choice that feels like it lasts 100 years on some playthroughts.

18. Pompeii - Bastille The Siege of the Citadel

“ And the walls kept tumbling down In the city that we love”

Throwback to when this song was on the radio like three times an hour. Which is around the time I made the first draft of this playlist, incidentally! It’s such a good Final Battle Jam for the Citadel, and the part about “if you close your eyes/does it almost feel like nothing’s changed at all” I think work really well for Shepard in this sequence. Shepard knew the Reapers were coming, had been fighting them all along; this attack on the Citadel is just retreading familiar territory for them, as horrifying as the war being brought to their doorstep is for the Citadel’s citizens and the council. James Vega has some good dialogue about that kind of thing in ME3.

INTERLUDE THE FIRST

19. Starships - Nicki Minaj The Normandy Crew

Starships were meant to fly Hands up and touch the sky

I like to have a little fun OK

20. Gravity - Yoko Kanno The Death of Commander Shepard

“Am I alone? is somebody there beyond these heavy aching feet still the road keeps on telling me to go on”

Welcome to mood whiplash, it’s my specialty! This is the part where you die. I think it also works for her coma very well, when she’s just drifting between life and death, not sure what’s going on, but something keeps trying to pull her back to the world.

SECOND MOVEMENT - MASS EFFECT 2

21. The Phoenix - Fall Out Boy The Lazarus Project

“Hey young blood, doesn't it feel like our time is running out? I'm gonna change you like a remix Then I'll raise you like a phoenix “

this song has no right to go as hard as it does and if  you think it’s melodramatic shut up

22. My Body Is A Cage - Peter Gabriel Commander Shepard

“I'm living in an age Whose name I don't know Though the fear keeps me moving Still my heart beats so slow “

This works particularly well if you romanced The Virmire Survivor, but this song captures the energy of Shepard freaking out bc they are trapped with Cerberus, because Cerberus rebuilt their body from the ground up. That jarring, caged feeling is so palpable in ME2 that when they gave me back Joker the first time I played, I BURST INTO SOBS from relief.

23. The Lady is a Vamp - The Spice Girls Miranda Lawson

“That's all in the past, legends built to last But she's got something new”

Listen. She’s a bond babe. Handbags, heels and pistols rock. She’s got class. This is a song about Miranda. That is all.

24. Kryptonite - 3 Doors Down Jacob Taylor

“ I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon After all I knew, it had to be something to do with you “

This one’s about the Vibes for me. Also can apply to his past relationship with Miranda. I’m also super showing my age on this song, oof haha.

25. Stable Song - Death Cab For Cutie Colony Abduction

“Rows of deserted houses all Our stable mates highway bound “

I really like the mood of this one for showing up on the very first abducted colony, the eerieness and sadness of it all and Shepard’s resolve to do something about it.

26. Konichiwa Bitches - Robyn Kasumi Goto

“I'm so very hot that when I rob your mansion You ain't call the cops, you call the fire station”

THAT COUPLET ALONE MAKES THE ENTIRE SONG. I love how playful and cheeky it is.

27. Seven Nation Army Glitch Mob Remix - The White Stripes, Glitch Mob Zaeed Massani

“And I'm talking to myself at night Because I can't forget Back and forth through my mind Behind a cigarette”

Pretty sure we all had this on some playlist or another when it came out, and it’s the perfect Badass With A Grudge song.

28. Science is Real - They Might Be Giants Mordin Solus

“ And when a theory emerges Consistent with the facts The proof is with science The truth is with science “

This one actually got added by my wife to replace a song that wasn’t on Spotify, but that has the same energy; Hank Green’s “I Fucking Love Science”. I get more into the emotional side of Mordin in the ME3 section, but I also really just love his Hamster On Coffee energy and this song captures it really well.

29. Prove Yourself - Radiohead Garrus Vakarian

“I can't afford to breathe in this town Nowhere to sit without a gun in my hand Hooked back up to the cathode ray

I'm better off dead “

The absolute rock bottom mental state Garrus is in when you get back to him in ME2 is so heartwrenching. Might not always agree with my boy’s methods, but he’s one of my favorite fictional characters of all time.

30. Rat a Tat - Fallout Boy Feat. Courtney Love Jack

“We are professional ashes of roses, this kerosene's live You settled your score, this is where you come to beg”

It helps that Courtney Love sounds exactly like Jack to me, NGL.

31. Defeat You - Smash Mouth Grunt

“Hey I know what you've done It makes it that much better to defeat you “

Only I am brave enough to put two songs by Smash Mouth on the same playlist, to be shared in 2021

32. The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot - Brand New Horizon/The Virmire Survivor

“If it makes you less sad I will die by your hand Hope you find out what you want Already know what I am “

Hits harder if you romanced the Virmire Survivor. Mostly from Shep’s perspective. This is a Shep that feels Bad after that encounter rather than Mad, so Your Mileage May Vary.

33. Violet Stars Happy Hunting! - Janelle Monae Tali’zorah vas Neema

“I'm an alien from outer space I'm a cyber-girl without a face a heart or a mind”

I just like the vibes of this one for Tali! I know it’s more about an actual AI but...IDK. I like it. So there.

34. Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd Thane Krios

“There is no pain you are receding A distant ship smoke on the horizon”

This song works both on a Literal level with his Kepral’s syndrome struggles, but also Metaphorical re: his Battle Sleep. Plus, Thane is a dad, so he gets Dad Rock.

35. My Medea - Vienna Teng Samara

“For I have made her prison be Her every step away from me And this child I would destroy If you tried to set her free “

Mom of the year award, here

36. Toxic - Britney Spears Morinth

“There's no escape, I can't wait I need a hit, baby, give me it You're dangerous, I'm loving it”

If Morinth weren’t so under-utilized after recruitment and didn’t get killed off in the background of ME3 I’d probably actually recruit her sometimes. I almost did on my most recent playthru bc that Shepard just HATES SPACE COPS. Anyway the song explains itself

37. Turn me On - David Guetta feat. Nicki Minaj EDI/The Collector Attack

“My body needs a hero Come and save me Something tells me you know how to save me”

I know this song is a metaphor but also it works really well both literally and metaphorically for Joker saving EDI

38. Robots - Dan Mangan Legion

“Robots need love too They want to be loved by you “

The Geth just want to live peacefullyyyyyy 

39. Be Still - The Killers Love Interest Theme

“Be still / someday you’ll leave fearlessness on your sleeve”

This song works so well for the night before Omega-4. If you had an ME2 love interest, anyway. Also “fearlessness on your sleeve” is one of my favorite set of words ever written.

40. No Cars Go - Arcade Fire The Omega-4 Relay

“We know a place no spaceships go We know a place where no subs go “

This one’s pretty literal.

41. Rocketman - Elton John Suicide Mission

“ And I think it's gonna be a long, long time 'Til touchdown brings me 'round again to find I'm not the man they think I am at home “

I like sneaking some Classics onto my playlists, and I think this is how I generally approach Shepard’s mindset during the Suicide Mission, mostly the chorus. I’m also a sucker for ballads during action sequences. This one isn’t a perfect 1:1 but the Vibes check out.

42. Blast Off - David Guetta feat. Kaz James The Normandy Crew

“Got all my people with me And none of us give a fuck So put dem hands up higher Let's smash this party up”

You have to imagine they partied HARD after recovering from Suicide Mission, but before Shep got arrested, right??? This is the Starships for ME2.

INTERLUDE THE SECOND

43. I’m Not Your Hero - Tegan and Sara Liara T’soni

“ Feeling like I am now lighting up the hall I was used to standing in the shadow of a damaged heart Learning all I know now, losing all I did I never used to feel like I'd be standing so far ahead “

This feels like a good coming of age moment for Liara, as she copes with the choices she made in the 2 years of Shepard’s death (giving them to Cerberus), losing Feron, etc. This is her coming into her own as the Shadow Broker. She’s not meant to be an uncomplicated Big Damn Hero, but she can do good from this position.

44. The Well and the Lighthouse - Arcade Fire The Alpha Relay Incident

“I'm serving time All for a crime I did commit You want the truth? You know I'd do it all again“

These opening lines I feel capture the Alpha Relay Incident really well, and how Shepard did what they HAD to do there, and would do it again, but it still feels like shit. I always wished there was more choice on that mission, but also, having something like that happen without player agency is interesting. Shepard is at their most interesting, I think, in times where we DON’T have a say in what happens to them.

45. Reignite - Malukah Commander Shepard

“Crush my heart into embers, and I will reignite”

Is it cheating to use a Mass Effect fan song on my playlist? I certainly don’t think so, and this is the best Mass Effect fan song ever written.

THIRD MOVEMENT - MASS EFFECT 3

46. This Is War - Thirty Seconds to Mars Leaving Earth

“It's the moment of truth, and the moment to lie The moment to live and the moment to die The moment to fight, the moment to fight To fight, to fight, to fight “

It feels Too Easy to use this here but I’m gonna anyway. You’ve seen AMVs of this set to everything. It’s the ending song of DA:O. It’s the quintessential World At War song.

47. Battleborn - The Killers James Vega

“Up against the wall There's something dying on the street When they knock you down You're gonna get back on your feet”

James Vega is massively underrated and I will love him til I’m cold in the ground. Aro icon.

48. Handlebars - Flobots The Illusive Man

“I can hand out a million vaccinations Or let 'em all die of exasperation Have 'em all healed of their lacerations Have 'em all killed by assassination”

The way this song escalates fits TIM and Cerberus’s fall back into being Just Full On Evil really well. Perfect song for a power trip.

49. Here I Dreamt I Was An Architect - The Decemberists The Virmire Survivor

“And I am nothing of a builder But here I dreamt I was an architect And I built this balustrade To keep you home, to keep you safe From the outside world”

I like this song for how the Virmire Survivor feels about their survivor’s guilt and also about Shepard. I honestly wish they were both more heavily utilized in ME2 and 3, but I realize it’s hard to write a ton of content for characters who just aren’t in half of all peoples’ playthrus.

50. Heaven Knows - The Pretty Reckless Grisson Academy

“One, two, three and four, the devil's knocking at your door Caught in the eye of a dead man's lie Show your life with your head held high“

This song is so perfect for Jack and her biotic kids that she’s one of the only returning characters that gets her own song on this playlist

51. The Great Fire - OK Go Javik

“But when the flames die down, and everything is gone, Will there be fire under the ashes still?”

Self explanatory. Javik is the fire remaining under the ashes.

52. Bring the Hammer Down - Paragon Priority: Tuchanka/Kalros

“ Hammer strikes the anvil A rage that breaks the chain Strikes down like a lightening In our ranks “

KALROOOOOS

53. Wake Up - Arcade Fire Curing The Genophage/Mordin Solus

“If the children don't grow up, Our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up. We're just a million little gods causin' rain storms, turnin' every good thing to Rust I guess we'll just have to adjust”

I just really love this song as an image of Mordin’s spirit looking out over Tuchanka as the genophage cure is dispersed, and watching over future generations. If you didn’t cure the genophage, how dare you. No song for you.

Anyway started tearing up listening to this one while writing the description don’t look at me

54. Ballad of a Politician - Regina Spektor Councillor Udina/Priority Citadel 2

“A man inside a room is shaking hands with other men This is how it happens/Our carefully laid plans”

traitor

55. Cyborgs vs. Robots - Ludo The Geth-Quarian War

“But your iron fist will never knock me down 'Cause I'm powered By a conscious right to conduct my life without fear.”

This is probably a bit silly for this awful war. But also. It does fit. You can’t tell me it doesn’t. Just save them both at the end and you can feel fine having some fun with it!

56. Artificial Heart - Jonathan Coulton The Geth

“It's not a real heart It is a real artificial heart”

Just a little fun with the Geth! This works best with Reaper Upgrades.

57. With A Little Help From My Friends - Joe Anderson, Jim Sturgess The Citadel DLC

“What do you see when you turn out the light? I can't tell you, but I know it's mine

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends”

I happen to prefer this version to any other because of how much fun it sounds like they’re having

58. Dark In Here - The Mountain Goats Priority: Earth

“Steal away at sundown, pick a place to hide Check for signs of ambush, hunker down inside Tired of running, tired of never standing still Hear them riding up the hill“

You know I had to get the Goats in here. Would it be a fan playlist if there wasn’t one?

59. Adieu - Yoko Kanno Leaving your Love Interest/Shepard and the Beam

“My love for you burns deep inside me / So strong Embers of times we had And now, here I stand / Lost in a memory I see your face, and smile”

...do I need to say more than that?

60. My Way (Minor Key) - Chase Holfelder The Indoctrination of The Illusive Man

“Regrets, I've had a few/But then again, too few to mention I did what I had to do/I saw it through, without exemption“

This cover takes this song from something I tolerate when I hear it to one of my FAVORITE songs. The frenzied way he sings the “through it all” verse is PEAK Indoctrinated TIM.

61. I’m Alive - Disturbed Refusal 

“There will never be a reason why I will surrender to your advice To change myself, I'd rather die/Though they will not understand”

Honestly I didn’t “get” the Refusal ending until I heard this song, then I was like, OH, I SEE IT ALL SO CLEARLY NOW. This is my favorite in-universe Shepard take on the Refusal ending. I always got it from the player’s perspective of being dissatisfied with the options, but this one puts it into the world for me. This is a Shepard who does not trust the Starchild. This is a Shepard that chooses to end things on their own terms rather than submit to their designs.

62. Machine - Regina Spektor Control 

“I collect my moments Into a correspondence With a mightier power Who just lacks my perspective And who lacks my organics And who covets my defects “

I used to have Adieu here, actually, because like Refusal, I didn’t used to GET the Control ending. Now, I do, in part thanks to hearing this song. I mean, just go look at the full lyrics. If this song hadn’t been written years before the end of Mass Effect 3, I’d swear it was a fan song for it.

63. Maybe Tomorrow - Yuki Kajiura Destroy 

“The moon is gone And the night is still so dark I'm a little bit afraid of tomorrow“

I’m a Destroy Ending person, I won’t lie. Full on “the starchild is a liar and my synthetic friends are FINE” indoctrination theory level destroy ending. But this song is not about that. It’s about the canonical destroy ending, and if you prefer a Shep that survives it, this song’s for you.

This song captures the exhaustion and melancholy of the end of a long journey so well. Shepard is afraid of what comes next, the collateral damage resulting from their actions. But they know that, at least, it’s over now. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

64. Waiting For the End - Linkin Park Synthesis

“ I know what it takes to move on I know how it feels to lie All I wanna do is trade this life for something new Holding on to what I haven't got”

This is one of my favorite songs of all time. The hardest part of ending is starting again. Oof. Gets me every single time. Shepard finding the resolve to sacrifice themself for the hope of something better, of things not going how they planned, ever, of learning to make peace with that and the people who loved them learning to carry on without them? OOF.

65. Shine - Vienna Teng Epilogue

“Shine with all the untold Hold the light given unto you Find the love to unfold In this broken world we choose“

Vienna Teng is a master of capturing life’s softer emotions, and this fits perfectly with the epilogue scene for me. Tell me again about the Shepard.

“Find the love to unfold in this broken world we choose” has to be one of the greatest lines about the human experience ever written.

[laceyeb]

Because I’m determined to be excited about this season of DWTS (and I genuinely am!), I’m going to try to post much more about this season than I did last season and start sharing my opinions now! Starting with the cast thus far of course, with my excitement ranking out of 10 because I do what I want.

Jojo Siwa and Jenna - 1000/10

As soon as I heard about Jojo being with a female pro, I started manifesting Jenna with all my heart and I am sooooo excited!!!! I’m not saying that ANY female pro on this show is even remotely homophobic in any way shape or form because I do NOT believe any of them are. HOWEVER... If I had to pick one female pro who I feel like would be most “onboard,” it would be Jenna. (Or Sharna, but I’d prefer Jojo with Jenna just because Jenna is younger.) If this sentiment/how I expressed it comes off problematic, please let me know because that is absolutely not what I intended and I hope you understand what I’m trying to say. Anyways... I don’t know if I’m anxious, excited, terrified, curious, overjoyed, etc. etc. etc. Perhaps all at once. I can’t wait to see how this goes and how it is received. I’ve already had a small rant about the target demographic of this show, but I’m choosing to be optimistic. I would definitely prefer that they don’t spend the ENTIRE season talking about the ground-breakingness. First episode, yes. Very important, very groundbreaking, etc. Then I’d like this to just be normalized. I don’t want them to be treated any different than any other couple. I just want them to be like everyone else. I don’t expect them to change the entire world, but this is still very very important and I am very very excited. And anxious. (Also not my anxiety acting up when I sent my mom the rumored list so far and her response was “I’m disgusted.” She’s apparently “disgusted” by the fact that there are people on the cast she’s never heard of. As if we haven’t been doing this for 30 seasons now.)

Sunisa Lee and Sasha - 8/10

I did not pay any attention to gymnastics during the Olympics (aside from the general news I stumbled upon on the internets) because all my waking hours were focused on soccer, but she’ll obviously be great. I would not say that Sasha is my favorite pro, but they’ll likely be a great match. I need to find some interviews of her or something to get a sense of her personality. I’m excited though because I’m sure they’ll be fun to watch.

Kenya Moore and Brandon - 2.5/10

I’ve never heard of her, so I have no opinion. I do have a soft spot for Brandon though. Is she like well known? Popular? Likable? Dancingly inclined?

Amanda Kloots and Alan - 6.5/10

You know I love Alan with my whole heart, so that automatically gives them some points. I recognize her name and that’s about all I’ve got for her. In the little bit I see (I’m just using the Kristyn Burtt article for this), she seems very excited to be there. Dream come true and all that. I will always give anyone a chance if they come in with such a good attitude.

Olivia Jade and Val - 5/10

Right in the middle 5/10 for this because I just don’t know what to expect. Like are they going to edit her packages sympathetically or actually sympathetic AND convincing? Do I feel any excitement for her to be in the spotlight like this? Not really. But she might surprise me. Val can really do no wrong, though, at the risk of starting an uprising, I’ve kinda lost interest in him as a pro as of late. No real reason. Just feel like there’s other pros I care more about/am more invested in.

Matt James and Lindsay - 5.5/10

I’m very excited to have Lindsay back, so let’s start there! It feels like it’s been about 27 years since we’ve seen her, despite the fact that she posts about 4 hours of IG stories a day and I happily watch every second. I don’t know a whole lot about Matt aside from the fact that he’s a Bachelor guy. I don’t think I’m exactly thrilled about what little I’ve seen and I don’t know what he’s like personality-wise. But at least Lindsay is back and seems happy so far.

Iman Shumpert and Daniella - 2/10

I’ve never heard of this guy and could not care less about basketball, so I don’t even have a reason to get excited. I’ve got nothing against Daniella at all, we just don’t know her that well yet. Is he well-known/likable/have a likelihood of dancing skills?

Jimmie Allen and Emma - 9/10

I don’t know a great deal about him personality-wise either, but I’m already excited! I love Emma, I love a country singer on DWTS, I love getting to see someone on the show who I already know. Very excited all around! Can he dance? Who knows! But I look forward to finding out! He’s got a few great songs that I absolutely adore and I need to make a playlist! I think they are going to make a good pair and I’m glad he’s with a pro I really like (aka not Cheryl I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️).

Brian and Sharna - 11/10

Sharna. Sharna’s man. Sharna in love. Sharna happy. What else could I possibly ask for?! I wondered if they would partner them together or not. In a non-pandemic world, maybe not. What with married pros living apart from each other for the season, they would have to too if they weren’t partnered together. Not that they deserve any special treatment. But if they don’t HAVE to be apart, why have them be apart you know? It’s going to be really entertaining to watch Sharna post about her “partner” for the next two weeks when we all know it’s him. Believe it or not, I have not followed their relationship really super close and they also don’t post an excessive amount together (which I have no problem with because people are entitled to their privacy and what not), so I’m excited to get to see so much more of them together! If Sharna’s happy, I’m happy. Can he dance do we think?!

Christine Chiu and Pasha - 1/10

Uninterested. No idea who she is and like with Daniella, I just don’t know Pasha enough to get that excited. Again: Is she likable/popular/dance-inclined? Beats me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Mel C. And Gleb - 4/10

I like Gleb more than most do, but I’m not obsessed by any means. (I mean, he’s not Sharna.) Nothing against any Spice Girls, but I’m fairly neutral on the whole. She will likely be pretty good and probably fairly popular. I look forward to seeing how she does, but I’m pretty much take it or leave it with them. It’s entirely possible she could be the dark horse I fall in love with by like week 3 and then decide she’s my favorite of the season.

Melora Hardin and Artem - 10/10

I’m VERY excited. I’ve already posted about her a bit, but oh boy I’m excited! I’ve seen exactly ZERO episodes of The Office, but I know her and LOVE her from The Bold Type aka one of my most important Gay Awakenings™️. (There were several...) I love me some Artem and he will be a great match with her as well. She’s definitely going to be one of the older pros this season (though I think she’s in her 50s which is decidedly not OLD old), but I know she has Broadway experience. I would love a week 1 foxtrot to put her solidly in a 3 way tie for third place with 4 7s and then coming in week 2 with like a samba that she absolutely nails (8,7,7,8) to prove she really can do it all. (It’s possible I’ve been watching this show for too damn long.)

Mike Mizanin - 1.5/10

I will not call him “The Miz.” I do not know this man and I do not care. Put him with Cheryl and send them home week 1. Ok wait. I’ll be nice. I definitely know NOTHING about him, but maybe he’s a fun and pleasant person. We’ll see. And if he is, I might entertain the possibility of calling him “The Miz.” (Whenever they have anyone from like WWE, UFC, boxing, or anything like that, I just do not care because I don’t know anything about them. But Paige VanZant was my actual Gay Awakening™️, so I try to keep an open mind.)

[officialleotolstoy]

Oh Dolokhov Brainrot We’re Really In It Now, aka Dolokhov playlist annotations!

A note on the cover photo: I don’t really like this one but I got tired of looking at men on Pinterest so I gave up. The window symbolizes the rum window and the smoking symbolizes uhhhhh habitual bad life choices idk

Drinking game take a shot every time I say “it’s about the vibes”

Wrecking Ball - Mother Mother

“I break it just because I can”

This is THEE ‘I am going to cause problems on purpose’ song and that is like his entire narrative purpose!! Argue with me about this one I dare you

The Good, The Bad, and the Dirty - Panic! At The Disco

“If you wanna start a fight you better throw the first punch, make it a good one”

Partially its just vibes, I won’t lie. But also the consistent spoiling for a fight is very in character

Shoot to Thrill - AC/DC

“I’m like evil, I get under your skin”

It’s got I Am Morally Repulsive But Also I’ll Steal Your Girl energy which really hits all of Dolokhov’s character traits. And of course the added bonus of gun imagery.

Mr. Brightside - The Killers

“It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this”

I added it strictly for vibes, but then I realized the quoted lyric is very much him @ the Kuragins if you take the reading that he refuses to admit he actually like them but grows genuinely fond of them over time even though he initially got to know them with a lot of ulterior motives.

Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen

“Mama, I just killed a man”

The amount of songs that are on these playlists just for what are essentially your mom jokes since Dolokhov loves his mom so much is a little pathetic. But I’m not wrong! I can’t really put it into words but something about this song has Dolokhov energy.

Feel It Still - Portugal the Man

“Give in to that easy living, goodbye to your hopes and dreams”

A good deal of what I find interesting about Dolokhov is the internal conflict he has of knowing he’s become rather wicked and problematic but also not really trying very hard to change and almost enjoying it so a lot of the songs on here are about that, including this one. The “I’m a rebel just for kicks now” also very much screams Causing Problems On Purpose.

The Bidding - Tally Hall

“I like to take advantage of the bourgeoisie”

His whole role in volume one and two is to take advantage of the bourgeoisie! This song also oozes confidence and a sense of superiority that comes from being better than the sellouts in high society, Dolokhov’s not like other girls uwu (he really is, but I don’t think he would admit that).

Say Amen (Saturday Night) - Panic! At The Disco

“I could be better but baby it’s Saturday night”

Embracing his own wickedness! The idea that he knows he could be better than he is but he doesn’t want to take that opportunity...yeah vibes

Wilson (Expensive Mistakes) - Fall Out Boy

“I became such a strange shape from trying to fit in”

This is the epitome of the “woe is me I need to be purified” phase he goes through when he’s into Sonya. Also “I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color” reminds me of Comet Dolokhov’s stupid eyeliner <3

Some Nights - fun.

“So what is this? I sold my soul for this?”

There’s a long stretch of this playlist that just boils down to “Woe is me I need to be purified” crisis hours, because Dolokhov’s oscillation between embracing his own cruelty and trying to be a good person is super interesting to me. This song captures the idea that he’s still having fun and there’s some good there, but he’s also aware that he’s losing himself a bit

Roaring 20s - Panic! At The Disco

“I don’t even know me”

“Woe is me i need to be purified” crisis AGAIN. This song gets more to the annoyance with society as a whole and feeling kind of lost in it

Send Them Off! - Bastille

“Help me exorcise my mind”

“Please purify me 16 year old girl! I’m 27 this isnt creepy at all ahahahha”. I do despise Sonyakhov but this has the vibes of a man feeling his own evil and wanting a woman to fix it. Not a great look.

Easy Days (Demo) - Bastille

“I don’t wanna fall back again, back into the easy days”

Near the end of the “woe is me I need to be purified” phase when he’s kind of drifting back to his old ways and he’s like wait no- wait- and then he does anyway because he’s horrible. I also really like the acknowledgment that his horribleness is easy and pleasant for him, and he has to fight against that (and he loses that fight HDJAJJD).

Undisclosed Desires - Muse

“You trick your lovers that you’re wicked and divine”

This is a Dolokhov/Nikolai song I do not take constructive criticism. Undisclosed desires...not being straight...lots to think about! It feels almost like a corruption arc? Nikolai isn’t corrupted nor does their...fling (?) last very long but Nikolai is obviously enamored with Dolokhov despite him being The Worst so I think this fits. I don’t have enough songs for a Nikolai/Dolokhov playlist so I just add those songs to both of their individual playlists

Thnks fr th Mmrs - Fall Out Boy

“Thanks for the memories even though they weren’t so great”

Also mostly a Nikolai/Dolokhov song. This man has never ended a relationship on good terms, huh. Also. Sighs heavily. “He tastes like you only sweeter” never fails to make me laugh when I think about it in the context of Dolokhov post-duel being like oh?? You’re just a stupid WOMAN Hélène your brother and/or Nikolai is hotter than you :/ which is not exactly what I think happened but it makes me laugh to consider. Dolokhov ur bitterrrrr

Dangerous - Royal Deluxe

“I’ll be the last man standing here, I’m not going anywhere”

I feel like this has the vibes of his cruelty, especially in that bit after the Kuragins have died when he and Petya infiltrate the French army.

Another One Bites The Dust - Queen

“There are plenty of ways you can hurt a man”

He will hurt you and kill you so violently :) It’s about the vibes.

White Wedding Pt. 1 - Billy Idol

“It’s a nice day to start again”

In the exact inverse to his “woe is me I need to be purified” phase, he’s like ok yes i will pick up bad habits again and enjoy them because frick you! I read once that this song is about a relapse into drugs, but I’m making it analogous to his relapse into Terrible Person Behavior after Sonya’s rejection. Also the repetition of the phrase little sister does something for my brain idk, after we know he loves his mom and sister it just fits.

Highway to Hell - AC/DC

“I’m on the highway to hell and I’m goin down”

Like White Wedding, it screams acceptance of his problematicness. He knows he’s cruel and evil and he revels in it. This is the phase we see him in most I think.

Back in Black - AC/DC

“It’s been too long, I’m glad to be back”

I think this plays every time he gets reinstated to an army position he lost by being reckless earlier. Just kidding sort of but listen to this song and tell me it doesn’t have Dolokhov vibes. If you do, you’re wrong <3

Poet - Bastille

“I have written you down now, you will live forever”

This is just here cause he ghostwrote Anatole’s love letters and I think it’s funny. It’s MY playlist and I get to choose the barely relevant Bastille songs

St. Jude - Florence + The Machine

“Maybe I’ve always been more comfortable in chaos”

This one’s more scattered lyrics than an overall vibe. “Each side is a loser so who cares who fired the gun” has duel energy also.

Hey Look Ma, I Made It - Panic! At The Disco

Confession: I hate this song. However, it’s about the about the MOM R U PROUD OF ME vibes (she is. Should she be? Probably not).

Rich Kids - Bea Miller

“It’s never enough for the stuck up types”

The not coming from wealth and having to almost scam your way into being part of the aristocratic scene is very Dolokhov. Also in my mind the rich kid he’s roasting is specifically Nikolai.

Money, Money, Money - ABBA

“It’s a rich man’s world”

I’m not SAYING the wealthy man they talk about is Anatole but - [i am shot]. Scheming and clawing your way up to wealth is Dolokhovcore.

This Is Gospel - Panic! At The Disco

I literally have no justification for this other than that i think modern AU Dolokhov would vibe with it. Look at the amount of eyeliner he wears in Comet and tell me he didn’t have an emo band phase. You can’t.

Trouble’s Coming - Royal Blood

This is not about the words at all, it’s more about the vibes. It just sounds Dolokhovish to me, don’t ask me to explain.

Sleep Alone - Two Door Cinema Club

“They’re just ghosts and they can’t hurt him if he can’t see them”

This gives me post-Kuragins’ death vibes, and I can’t pin down exactly why? I think it’s the idea of being very alone and closed off.

Golden Days - Panic! At The Disco

I can’t put a specific lyric to it but it’s the vibes of looking back on your hedonistic youths with nostalgia and rose-colored glasses. Post-Kuragins’ death vibes again.

Go Get Your Gun - The Dear Hunter

“One foot in the grave, the other one’s kickin’ its way right down to hell”

All we see of him after the Kuragins’ death is just him being particularly cruel and reckless, almost careless. This feels like it encapsulates that energy.

The Fallen - Franz Ferdinand

“They say you’re a troubled boy just because you like to destroy”

I’m aware that a good portion of this song is about a Christ figure but I’m going to respectfully ask you to ignore that bit and just focus on all the Sketchy Things the guy does instead. Thank you. He does in fact like to destroy things! Señor Cause Problems On Purpose back at it again at krispy kreme, huh.